Are You Avoiding The Work?

An observation I’ve made in a growing number of people consuming content about attachment,
trauma bonding, codependency, and relationship healing.

Even MY content.
“I listen to their relationship podcast.”
“I’ve read all the books on attachment.”
“I binge-watch your YouTube videos.”

There’s a growing trend where people think that watching videos, reading books,
and listening to podcasts equates to doing their attachment healing work.

But here’s the truth:

While consuming content can provide temporary relief from the pain associated with trauma,
especially when it validates your experiences (like labeling your partner as a “narcissist”),

IT OFTEN SERVES AS A COVERT AVOIDANCE STRATEGY THAT DELAYS THE OUTCOMES YOU WANT:

A secure, magnetic connection where you feel confident and connected, where the home is a sanctuary,
and you’re not riddled with relationship anxiety.

In the past three months,
I’ve consulted with not one, but TWO psychotherapists with degrees in Counseling Psychology.
One, an anxious attached individual, admitted she couldn’t work through her own anxious attachments in relationships.
The other struggled to recover from a sense of betrayal after her husband cheated.

Despite their intelligence and ability to diagnose and label mental disorders,
they both confessed that while they had all the INFORMATION on what was happening…
and they could see their behaviors
and acknowledge how problematic they’ve been to having success in the intimacy department,
their training didn’t help them EMBODY the work of authentic relating,
and they didn’t possess the SKILLS of becoming RESPONSIVE rather than REACTIVE to their triggers,
and they had no ability to regulate themselves during conflict.

They ended up pushing what they truly wanted away.
The first one avoided relationships altogether,
and the second one was fed up and didn’t want her daughter exposed to the toxicity and disconnection.

They had ALL the information.
What was missing?

Embodied somatic training.

That’s why even if you follow all the right social media accounts and know all the information —
enough to advise a friend over coffee who’s having issues — and sound really smart about it
— your own life might still feel like a disorganized mess.

“Do as I say — not as I do.”

That’s exactly why I turned to social media to find guides who truly embodied the life I wanted to create.
I then immersed myself in the environments they created and DID.THE.WORK.

After all, you can’t learn to swim by watching a video.

You can’t become a skilled dancer by following podcast instructions.

Why?

Because to heal our attachment wounds,
we must be willing to lean in and have those wounds activated.

This means showing up and allowing conversations to trigger what needs to emerge.
You need to observe your knee-jerk reactions and consciously create new responses.

You have Anxious Attachment and want to heal?

Great — then it takes courage to show up and do Neuro-sensory exercises
that expand your capacity to be with discomfort.
Feel it fully, witness it, and learn a process called “integration.”
This helps you find the root of your reactions and build the resilience to respond like your adult self,
instead of the needy, wounded child.

You can’t heal what you don’t feel —
and often watching videos and listening to podcasts is a covert way of avoiding those feelings.

Without learning the actual process of becoming Trigger-Proof
and integrating these blind spots,

WE ARE MISLED INTO BELIEVING THAT INFORMATION ALONE WILL LEAD TO TRANSFORMATION.

That’s like saying you can build muscle in your arms simply because you know that bicep curls build muscle.
Or claiming you can make a soufflé because you watched a tutorial online, without ever actually trying it.

You need to pick up the weight and do the work.

When you do:

• You realize you’re not alone.
• You heal in community.
• Your attachment wounds ACTUALLY heal.
• You show up more understanding, compassionate, and less reactive.
• You see yourself in others’ shares and witness your own blind spots.
• You are no longer afraid of your fears.
• Your confidence soars, and self-worth is the end result.

REFLECTION TIME:

What aspect of your relationship game needs refinement?

- Self Worth (Do you feel you are worthy of a high-value connection?)
- Reactivity (Do you have the capacity to RESPOND instead of react?)
- Magnetism (Do you have unresolved wounding that is causing you to PUSH AWAY the right people?)

Consider the possibility that none of those things can be achieved through videos, books and podcasts alone.

Show up.

Lean in.

Be willing to have your blind spots revealed.
Engage and interact.

Find your tribe.

Your upgraded self awaits.