(Name changed to respect privacy and anonymity)
(4 minute read).
Amy was tired of feeling like a victim.
Divorced with children,
running a business,
she was still walking around with a great deal of resentment.
She had done YEARS of therapy,
plant medicines, breathwork,
inner child work….
Even taking courses on learning how
to communicate more in her feminine
so she could one day have a different experience with men
than what she had been attracting:
Narcissistic, abusive partners who didn’t step up
and take care of her devotionally (just like her dad).
When she reached out to me,
even though she had gotten comfortable with feminine communication,
she admitted she still has resentment towards her father,
and here was the kicker:
Her body would tense up whenever she would think of her ex and dad,
and SHE NO LONGER WANTED TO FEEL THAT WAY.
The only way to get past grievances, victimhood and blame,
is to finally make the decision that we NO LONGER WANT TO BE
LIVING UNDER THE EFFECTS OF UNHEALED RESENTMENTS:
This is what living with a victimhood identity from the past looked like for her:
- Triggered all the time
- Reactive to any sort of feedback that would be “negative”
- Defensive, blocking vulnerability and openness
(which magnetizes healthy masculine behavior of provision and protection) - Controlling others with prickly, porcupine energy that pushed men away.
- NO TRUST (in herself or men).
It’s exhausting living like you don’t trust life itself.
When I asked her why she wanted to resolve this now she told me that
this time it was different because she met a man
who had her feeling safe, and didn’t want to mess this up
by letting the reactive pattern take over.
(that’s my first green flag when I meet someone—
someone who wants to take responsibility).
Even though she was no stranger to personal development,
there was one skill she had never learned:
Becoming Trigger-Proof,
and RELEASING THE RESENTMENT FROM THE BODY.
This means to not only work through the bitterness, the anger,
and the grief of her younger parts that didn’t get their needs met,
but also to take it one step further that no plant medicine, book, video,
or venting sessions with a therapist could provide:
The skill of seeing her perpetrators as reflections of parts of HERSELF
she was abandoning.
Parts she pressed down and locked up in her shadow.
She took the very thing that she was judging her father on—
which was "not taking accountability,
and avoiding his shame of his abusive behaviors" and asked
“Where did I do the same?”
It took her a couple of days to realize she did the same thing
(in her own way) to her unborn child when she chose to terminate her pregnancy
when she was a teenager.
She was carrying all that shame— but she had to block it in order to continue life.
While she felt it was the right call for her at the time,
she realized she was still holding onto resentment towards HERSELF,
for not dealing with the grief and shame of her decision with no accountability--
and unconsciously projecting it onto her father.
She took a week to process this humbling realization,
and as she re-visited the fears of that dis-owned little teenager within her,
she saw her father in a new light.
Once she realized this, she had a new lens on “forgiveness”.
She realized that once she UNDERSTOOD him (by understanding HERSELF)
she no longer needed to “forgive” him.
Would you rather be FORGIVEN?
Or would you rather be UNDERSTOOD?
Most of the time “forgiveness” is just spiritual bypassing bullshit.
When you have the courage to go deeper,
to validate the parts of you that feel hurt and grief over the needs that weren’t met,
and then go that ONE STEP FURTHER to get to a place of UNDERSTANDING….
The resentment lifts,
and understanding breathes life to a new possibility.
If you can resonate with this,
and you are holding onto a grievance towards someone who you feel
betrayed you, hurt you, rejected you, or abandoned you,
and you’re TIRED OF FEELING THIS WAY,
just know there’s freedom on the other side of going BEYOND forgiveness.
Forgiveness keeps you stuck in judgment,
Understanding liberates and transcends.
It takes some courage to look in the mirror,
and humility to have your blind spots revealed,
but when you do, you set the stage to become a safe container
where secure relationships can thrive,
and you trust life,
you trust men,
you trust women,
you trust humanity,
and most importantly, you TRUST YOURSELF.
Your wingman on the adventure,
Nima
P.S. If Amy's story resonated with you,
you’ve done the personal growth work and therapies,
and you KNOW you’re still carrying betrayal, mistrust, and contempt,
and it’s weighing heavy on your system and impacting your current relationship game,
and you’re done with the spiritual bypassing of attempting to "forgive", let’s go deeper.
Are you ready to move past the resentment and uncover the parts of yourself that need understanding?
If you’ve been carrying the weight of grievances,
tired of feeling stuck,
and want to experience true freedom and trust in YOURSELF,
hit reply with your back story and tell me what happened,
what you’ve invested in working through,
and end with,
"Nima, I’m ready to go beyond forgiveness and see my blind spots.
Please send me your private calendar link.”
I’m enjoying speaking with those who follow my work.
I’m enjoying speaking with those who follow my work.
Who are genuine in seeking answers instead of staying stuck in a story.
It’s a free zoom blind-spot session for those who feel it’s time
to stop judging and blaming and start truly understanding.
