He’s watching me. He can feel my energy.
He knows when I’m upset.
And he can feel when there is tension between me and his mother.
He’s learning.
He’s observing my reactions. My language.
My tone of voice.
He’s watching how we speak to one another.
How we react to one another.
How we argue, rupture, and repair.
His little Nervous System is integrating every experience,
every conversation,
all aspects of my energy that leaves my body
goes into his,
and he uses that information to make assumptions and meanings
about who he is.
THE SAFETY (Or threat) DIANA AND I FEEL WITH ONE ANOTHER
IS EXPERIENCED IN HIS SYSTEM.
If I scream at him because he crossed one of my boundaries,
this simple act repeated again and again in moments of my upset
causes him to assume he’s “bad inside.”
And without a safe witness to validate his inner experience,
(which many of our parents had no idea how to do for us),
this informs his system that he needs to be hyper-vigilant,
and walk on egg-shells with me.
If he witnesses constant battles between his mother and I,
without a model for repair,
his little system under so much chaos and lack of a sense of control, has almost no recourse but to take on responsibility for “fixing things.”
He would then have to intervene as our “Marriage Therapist”.
Think of your childhood experiences that may resonate,
and how you adapted to them.
If you’re like most people,
you’re still carrying the effects of those experiences in your body.
And they’re playing out in the dynamics of your home,
impacting the little ones who are watching.
A cyclebreaker is one who can recognize the impact
of those unresolved childhood wounding patterns,
and own up to the lack of boundaries that never were developed as a result,
or the walls that got put there instead,
and the avoiding, fawning and people pleasing reflexes we use as a mask.
The same patterns that lead us right into the path of insecure
or toxic relationships.
The same patterns that cause volatile reactivity
and push/pull dynamics
with partners who simply don’t step up for us,
or open up to us.
The patterns causing the chaos inside your home.
The good news is that you CAN break free from those patterns.
You CAN break the cycle.
You CAN become less anxious and more secure.
You CAN learn how to Break the conflict loop and repair.
You CAN learn how to expand the space between stimulus and response,
and you CAN learn to become Trigger-Proof.
When I did, I learned that whether it’s at home,
with friends or with clients,
I can co-create situations
where everyone can have a great experience.
And best of all,
I can teach all of it to him.
Because he’s watching.
And he does great impersonations.
First comment below points you in the right direction.
Nima
