(3 minute read)
As I'm now three years deep in the parenting game, I am noticing how parenting styles have shifted through the generations.
When your parents were raised, the cultural conditioning was
“spare the rod, spoil the child,”
with parents taking on more of an authoritarian role.
As a result of the wounding from that style of upbringing, many in the next generation will raise their children exactly the same, OR
they will go in the exact OTHER direction,
being more permissive,having kids being coddled and infantilized.
Parents will take on the "job" of making their kids happy, giving gold ribbons JUST for participating, and sheltering them from conflict and discomfort.
As you can imagine, being raised in either one of these extremes of parenting styles results in the child having to adapt, creating challenges when they get older.
Overly Authoritarian parenting creates defiant children who become angry teens,
or fawning adults who are raised to fear self expression.
Overly Permissive parenting causes children to feel insecure, lack boundaries, and feel entitled, leading to difficulties in understanding limits in relationships and respecting others, as well as challenges in developing self-discipline and personal responsibility.
It’s like we as parents (and therefore our kids) are effed up either way.
As I’m navigating the terrain of parenthood
in this day and age where the collective is in deep pain and suffering, I am committed to growing and learning all I can to help co-create an amazing experience for Domzy.
On the journey as a guide to helping folks break free from Trauma Bonds, I’ve discovered there’s an option "C" if you’re all about your kid growing up with a strong sense of Self:
That’s parenting them from a Trauma Informed, Nervous System (somatic) lens.
Think of “Poly-vagal parenting” as Conscious Parenting on Steroids.
When you take on parenting from this perspective, it’s impossible for kids to NOT naturally thrive.
3 changes you will notice in your child when you make the shifts:
1) HIGH SELF ESTEEM:
A strong sense of self-worth becomes evident.
These children feel valued and understood,
which translates into confidence in their abilities and value as individuals, without crossing into arrogance.
2) EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION:
Children raised with regulated parents who understand the attachment skills to connect to themselves possess the ability to express their needs, desires, and feelings clearly and constructively, without resorting to manipulation or aggression.
This skill stems from having their voices heard and respected from a young age.
Then you start to notice them advancing in skills that other human beings these days are severely lacking:
3) EMPATHY AND SOCIAL SKILLS:
Raised in empathetic environments from parents who understand the skills of the Poly vagal Theory, these children are adept at picking up and responding to the emotional cues of others.
They show genuine concern for the feelings of their peers, making them well-liked and socially competent.
I’m embarrased to say that at three years old,
Dominic is already demonstrating what I didn’t really understand until I was 43 years old and made the shifts.
I call it “Polyvagal Parenting” because when you understand how amazing, complicated, yet simple the Nervous System is, you get to create a TOTALLY different experience for your child(ren).
A word of caution:
100% of the people in our community learning this feel some sadness and grief, as they mourn the fact that their younger selves didn’t have parents who had access to this information.
So, they didn’t get to experience what their child now gets to enjoy, unless they had unicorn parents who understood the Poly Vagal Theory.
(Our parents didn’t know what they didn’t know).
The good news is…There IS a path now.
You CAN learn how to break the cycle.
When I dedicated my life to learning and teaching about Trauma, relationship anxiety, and the language of Somatics, unknowingly, I was also helping Dominic learn how to work through
HIS big emotions along with expanding his sense of identity.
As a result of me being a Polyvagal Parent, his self worth and magnetism is naturally emerging with full force.
And even early on, we would get consistent feedback of his ability to connect and empathize with self-awareness with almost every adult stranger he encountered.
His charm, open-ness and fearless engagement with the world, his sense of internal safety and playfulness came out in full force,
and we get to hang with this bundle of raw charisma every day.
I know— every parent thinks their kid is special— so I’m no exception.
I’m just so damn grateful I received the training our parents generation didn’t have the access to.
Dominic is the spark of my inspiration for the work I get to do today with people all over the world.
So if you’re a parent, navigating the tumultuous terrain in this day and age of devices, technology and robots, wanting to parent a child who ends up healthy in mind, body, and soul, and relationships, I send you a deep bow of respect for being the Cyclebreaker in your family line.
You can't imagine how deep the impact of your healing will go on the physical and emotional health and relationships of your children.
Keep going.
Your guide on the side,
Nima
