I remember the moment when I decided I was never going to invite my friend to stay over again.
Our friendship had deepened over time.
We would go out to the clubs to dance with the ladies.
Sometimes we would double date.
I was new to the city and my social circle was opening up.
I had him on a pedestal— as he was so well connected.
Every Friday night, he would stay in the guest bedroom and sometimes bring his girlfriend,
and then on Saturday morning I would make a massive breakfast….
Pancakes, bacon, eggs, the whole lot.
Then I would notice that he would have an expectation about me hosting,
and would never return the favor.
Even though it bothered me, I didn’t speak up.
I just kept hosting,
wondering why I didn’t feel appreciated for it.
After helping people with Trauma Bonding relationship styles,
I later realized that “why doesn’t anyone appreciate me?”
is the classic battle cry of the fawner/people pleaser.
If you reflect back on any relationship breakdown you’ve ever had,
you will notice the upstream root cause of all of them was the same:
A boundary violation.
In my case with this friend of mine, it wasn’t him that was violating my boundaries.
It was me.
I violated my own boundary by not speaking up.
Eventually, without even saying anything, we just drifted apart.
No conversation.
I was in my late 20’s then.
It wasn’t until I repeated this EXACT same pattern,
making friends, then simply ghosting/dissappearing and moving on,
a handful of more times when I started having suspicions
that something I was doing or not doing that was contributing to
my lack of connection, feeling like I didn’t belong, and general lack of trust in people.
I wondered if there might be something I’m missing here.
It wasn’t until my last relationship ended in a volatile abusive cycle,
where I decided to finally figure my sh&t out
because I didn’t want to live the 2nd half of my life feeling so alone and disconnected.
That’s when I invested in the right guides and learned
high level attachment skills and discovered the missing piece right under my nose:
The fact that I was a constant Fawner (people pleaser)
and I had no clue about how to share my Boundaries elegantly.
As a result, I wasn’t able to have both myself AND another in a relationship.
I was either the fawner, or I was being fawned upon.
And in case you can relate to this— it’s impossible to have intimacy without boundaries.
Boundaries, like our skin, forms our “edges”—
which serve as beautiful contact points between one another.
When I know what your true boundaries are,
I can help co-create a wonderful experience with you,
whether we are talking, dancing, or cooking with each other.
The problem is, if you shared your boundaries as a child
and were shamed or guilted for it
like being forced into physical intimacy without consent,
or being forced to eat when you weren’t hungry (and punished if you didn’t)
then likely you've been conditioned to violate your own boundaries
to appease others and be the “good girl” “nice guy”.
You will likely feel tremendous pangs of guilt when you set boundaries.
You will internally feel like you are rude, selfish, or will cause another person harm
simply for advocating for yourself.
So you’ll violate yourself and create bitterness instead.
That’s what happened with my good friend, and countless other relationships in my past.
Once I learned how to navigate boundaries (hint, boundaries aren’t about the other person)
I am now able to share what’s arising within me in a way that commands respect,
and when it’s not respected, I am able to speak up and see from the other person’s reaction
whether the relationship (friend or client) will continue.
Mastering this art solved the “should I stay or go” dilemma for me because
once I stopped violating my own boundaries,
the right people stepped up and have come along for the ride,
and the ones who couldn't hang
naturally fell off.
And I’ve been A-OK with that,
because no one deserves to be in my ONE LIFE
if they can’t appreciate me for my authentic expression.
The same goes for you.
When you master this high level attachment skill,
Secure authentic relationships emerge,
where you never will have to violate yourself to be connected to someone ever again.
And you’ll be able to teach the next generation the exact same skill.
You got this,
Your wingman on the adventure,
Nima
P.S. Ready to shift from Fawning/people pleasing self- boundary-violator
to SECURE, CONFIDENT and ELEGANTLY BOUNDARIED?
Ready to command respect as a man, and inspire devotional cherishing as a woman?
BOUNDARIES ARE SEXY AF.
This is the last chance to jump in to my 3 hour workshop on zoom:
From Fawning to Secure Boundaries:
How to elegantly advocate for yourself in relationships.
How to elegantly advocate for yourself in relationships.
In this 3 hour interactive workshop we will dive into the somatics of boundaries,
complete with neurosensory exercises that help you embody what the fawn response
feels like so that you can take this reflexive self-abandoning and begin to shift it
towards confidently and compassionately advocating for yourself,
and having it feel like a gift to the other person.
For only $30 you’ll be learning what our Cyclebreakers keep saying they
only WISHED they learned back in school.
Friday March 15th from 4-7pm PDT (7-10 EDT)
That’s Saturday March 16th from 10am-1pm Sydney Time
