If you’re in that place of recovery from what’s called “Attachment Rupture” in Somatic Experiencing and you’re feeling the panic, grief, and hopelessness of wondering if you should stay or go, just know that what you’re experiencing makes perfect sense and there’s nothing wrong with you.
Relationships are a skill and if you look around, unless you’ve
- really put in the work, or have been raised by parents who really showed up for you and encouraged your self expression with boundaries, or
- modeled rupture- repair to you,
Then chances are (and there ARE EXCEPTIONS)
a) your relationship isn’t going great. You’re not having sex because you’re so resentful and disconnected that you are in what’s called a “functional freeze”. You’re burnt out and the life force energy between you (and within yourself) is gone.
b) your relationship is extremely hot and cold and it’s burning you out. You know it’s bad for you but you have no clue how to break the cycles you keep going through.
c) you’re so freaking shell-shocked from your last nightmare of a relationship experience that you just would rather stay single and get 6 cats.
Whether you’re a, b, or c you’re supposed to be feeling exactly as you are.
You’ve never learned how to become Trigger-Proof and turn conflict into EVEN DEEPER intimacy where you’re even CLOSER after a rupture than you were before it.
But you can learn.
Healing from toxic relationships and trauma bonds requires two phases to master:
1) healing from the rupture itself.
This is attachment trauma and is NO JOKE.
This requires commitment and a dedicated practice. Without doing this, we spiral downward and our addictions take over and our “relationship stock value” goes down.
When you master this process, your value goes up and the quality of your relationships rise to meet you: more secure, more respect, more devotion.
Your relationship upgrades with you or you then feel confident in parting ways as friends.
If you’re now single, from my experience helping people heal for the last 20 years—you’re not done until the you cross over to the other side of the bridge:
2) Re-integration back into getting to know people and dating again— then getting to the point where you choose each other for the climb.
True healing in our relationship game requires that we ascend through our “Dream Partner” fantasies and navigate and negotiate the challenging task of the rupture repair cycle in real time.
What you’re up against:
Two primary fears:
1) The fear of abandonment (don’t leave me) and the
2) Fear of engulfment (I need space).
One will come up HARD, or you’ll notice you keep flip flopping back and forth and you don’t know what the hell to do.
All normal parts of reintegration.
I love teaching this stuff and sharing my story and watching clients like J actually go from being single and traumatized for 2 years plus — healing from a toxic trauma bond, highly anxious attached and codependent— become powerfully chosen— or “Claimed” as she described today.
Or S — who hasn’t had sex in a year and HIGHLY… I mean Bossbabe but HIGHLY anxious attached when it comes to men— heal her sexual trauma and body image issues to be enthusiastically sharing how she now has a boyfriend.
Both are confidently moving through all the feels as they adapt to a new reality they’ve NEVER experienced before: secure partnership where they are no longer fawning.
You actually CAN have a different experience of how people show up for you and with you.
Your energy. Your self worth. Your magnetism.
In separation/break-up times, where confusion has taken over, it’s wiser to get past the story you keep telling and get working on taking full ownership to mastering the rupture repair process.
I know everyone in that situation wants to have their mojo again, to feel safe and confident, not run by resentment, bitterness, or shame, to stop showing up as a fawner who people pleases and is constantly run by self judgment—but inspired and full of life force energy to feel like a real man/woman again.
From there connections are made based on authentic connection and truth rather than having to wear masks because you’re so scared shitless of rejection. Fake relationships are replaced with real ones where you no longer have to settle.
Share your experience.
Tell me if you you relate.
Your wingman on the adventure,
This is our little man on his first day of school.
We are so freaking proud of how excited he was. HE was fine.
Diana and I: “I’m not crying— YOU’RE crying.”
P.S. If you’re ready to master the rupture repair cycle with a somatic based process that can turn the greatest of judgments resentments into deeper self love and intimacy so you can take 2-3 week ruptures — even 10 year ruptures and heal them in a day, then grab one of our last spots for the Overview Experience this Saturday 12-6pm PST.