REAL TALK ABOUT GOING FROM TRAUMA BONDED…. TO THIS

(4 minute read)

 

Look at these two faces in this picture.

They are my light.

My relationship with these two precious beings

is my life’s greatest accomplishment.

 

But it wasn’t always this way.

 

I used to be stuck in a Trauma Bond,

and without even knowing it–

that was all I was conditioned to know about how to do relationships.

 

Trauma bonds are co-dysregulating relationships.

 

There’s shame and anxiety in the background of all of them.

That’s all I knew.

Same pattern, no matter who it was.

 

Push-pull. I want you– aaand now I want my space.

 

After my last relationship ended with reactive abuse towards one another,

I had to figure out why.

 

I had to look at why these patterns kept repeating.

 

The reason why I wanted to look inside:

 

I WAS FINALLY READY TO CREATE A RELATIONSHIP

THAT FELT SAFE FOR ME TO COMMIT TO.

 

Relationships never felt “safe” to me.

 

My story was that I always felt burdened by women that needed me

as their rescuer/savior…

and I ended up feeling pedestalized and dehumanized by them.

 

That women occurred to me as being out for just one thing,

and every date and relationship felt like there was an ulterior motive

to “hook me in” and use me for what I could provide.

 

My big blind spot:

*I* was the one objectifying women for what they could GIVE ME,

then playing the victim when they turned out to be

exactly what my biases confirmed.

 

I felt “wronged” and “taken” in my divorce over a decade ago.

 

That resentment I carried was confusing,

considering how badly I was craving female attention at the time.

 

This toxic dance of the two warring parts within myself

played out heavily in my last relationship,

where our shadows with extreme codependency ran free

and performed a three-ringed circus with sex and money tied in.

 

I needed to break free.

 

Here I was, a successful 43 year old Chiropractor,

who sucked at relationships.

 

And I was too scared to leave.

I was afraid of the consequences and the pain that would ensue.

 

So I stayed.

 

But the anxiety wouldn’t go away.

 

I felt incomplete.

 

I thought something might be wrong with me.

 

And I didn’t want to leave the planet

NEVER having experienced love that is secure.

 

So I decided to get to work.

 

Without waiting for anyone’s permission,

I found the right guides.

 

I connected with some solid men.

 

I delved deep into Poly Vagal Mastery,

Shadow Integration,

Somatic Experiencing,

Inner Child Explorations,

Spiritual training,

Meditation immersions,

Breathwork fundamentals,

Family Constellations,

Masculine/feminine Polarity Dynamics

 

I even did anger management with my ex

to help dissolve the charge between us.

 

And I learned how to properly channel my sexual energy.

 

All in all, I think I invested over 200K in high-level training,

because when I decide I’m going to commit, I COMMIT.

 

As volatile and dysregulated our Trauma Bond became,

I committed to mastering the mechanisms

so that I could finally achieve what I never had in my life:

 

A polarized dynamic within a secure attachment,

with a soft, feminine and radiant woman.

 

I even gave myself permission to say that I wanted and needed that,

in this 2024 culture that gaslights us and makes it wrong to want what we naturally want.

 

When I took full responsibility for how I show up on my side of the street,

the quality of partner I attracted was night and day.

 

I made the shifts– and God brought me my Sunshine.

 

You can easily see it in that radiant smile that warms my heart

every damn day.

 

And how sweet is that little boy?

 

Our precious gift.

 

The person who I was before couldn’t create a life like the one I have now.

 

He was too immersed with toxic shame.

He didn’t feel he deserved a woman like this.

He didn’t have the capacity to be with a secure woman.

 

I thank God every day I had the courage

to do what MOST people stuck in Trauma Bonds REFUSE to do:

To put down the magnifying glass of obsession towards the other person,

and to pick up the mirror instead.

 

When you do,

you heal,

your mojo comes back,

your magnetism radiates,

and your self worth expands.

 

Then the quality of people who show up in your life begins to upgrade.

Even if you’ve been stuck for years.

When you shift, everything shifts.

 

But the biggest obstacle is —

Fear.

To break free from familiar patterns,

you’ll most likely have to do it partially scared.

 

There’s overwhelm, confusion,

and we don’t know who or what to believe at times,

coupled with the fact that there’s so much shame behind the truth.

 

The truth?

We’re too afraid to let go.

Some parts of us are addicted to the crazy highs and lows.

 

I know how that feels.

Attachment trauma is the most painful experience of being human.

We will do anything in our power to protect ourselves from it.

 

No wonder we feel so stuck.

 

It’s because we’re disconnected from our own intuition.

 

In that space, we can’t really trust our own thoughts and feelings.

 

I’m grateful for my guides. I couldn't have done it without them.

There’s nothing quite like finding the right community,

a place where you’re not being judged or shamed…

A place where you can learn healthy attachment skills,

where you’re finally able to “let go” of the attachment to the chaos.

A place where toxic shame melts into pride and responsibility.

 

We need a circle of other cyclebreakers to travel with.

Because secure love may be your birthright,

but insecure relating is what you’ve been conditioned to have.

 

And that’s not your fault,

but it’s your responsibility to learn how to make the shift.

 

Magic happens when you take it on for yourself and the next generation.

 

I integrated my pain from my last Trauma Bonded relationship–

And now I get to spend my days with these two angels.

 

I love these two more than anything in the world.

And because of them,

I have found a deep sense of purpose.

 

I’m grateful to be taking you on the journey with me.

 

You got this.

 

Your wingman on the adventure,

Nima