Sxxless Relationship: The Silent Struggle

Written By Dr. Nima

On August 17, 2023
I'm no stranger to Facebook's algorithmic iron fist. I just got shadowbanned for talking about this– which is why I had to think outside the box. A topic as poignant as this deserves a dedicated space.
I’ll tell you what I came up with to solve this-- at the end.
 
Mandy and Jim hadn’t had sex in more than a year.
Their relationship had been eroding despite more than 5 years of weekly couple’s counseling.
 
It turns out that the core of most of our relationship problems aren’t resolved by talking them through.
 
They were trying so.hard. to make it work. But every time he would make a move to lead her into sxx, she would shut off, freeze up, resulting in him feeling rejected, and then she would then blame him for “making it all about sxx”.
 
“Can’t we stop focusing on sxx?” she would assert, leaving him fearful to even try initiating again.
 
I wish I could say this is an isolated case, but it isn’t.
 
It’s so common.
 
One in four marriages are sxxless.
 
Pornography becomes an easy “fix” for a man in this common situation, causing an even deeper rift in the relationship.
 
When we don’t get to the root cause and keep it at a “talk therapy” level– it often just feels like going around in circles getting nowhere.
 
On a call, we decided to go a little deeper.
 
During one of our sessions, a pivotal moment arose. By guiding Mandy to connect deeply with her emotions, she unveiled past traumas and self-judgments that had, over time, built an impenetrable wall.
 
The revelation?
 
It wasn’t just about a lack of sxx drive—it was about the story she had been telling herself.
 
“What happened when he touched you and your body went into bracing?” I asked her. “What did you make it mean about you?”
 
In that moment, with her awareness in her body, she retold how her system was caught by surprise, and since she wasn’t in the mood right away, she made HERSELF wrong for that.
 
This took her back to a time post partum where her sxx drive wasn’t there, and while both were frustrated about it– she judged her body to be “betraying her.”
 
“Interesting choice of words,” I said, regarding her lack of sxx drive after she had a child.
 
After spending some time unpacking this “betrayal” narrative about her body, she realized she has been betraying herself the whole time.
 
And since then, every time she’s not fully excited right away, she unconsciously turns around and betrays herself again– then projects it onto him.
 
This has been going on for years.
 
Who would want to have sxx with THAT going on in the background?
 
Needless to say, once we rewired this pattern, she was able to not only share what was happening with her husband (which had him feeling relieved as he was taking it as rejection the entire time), but he was able to lead her out of her head and back into her body, and they’ve had more sex in the last month than they have had in the last year and a half.
 
Here's my wager: Most relationship issues stem from buried wounds and deep-seated conditioning. And if you’re keen on navigating this terrain to find connection, fulfillment, and more, Day 2 of “Rewire: Love, Sex, and Money” will help you go deep.
 
📆 And a quick heads up: Early bird tickets will be wrapping up by the end of August, with our half-price tickets drawing to a close this week.
 
As a prelude to the main event, I've curated a 4-week prep course beginning Aug16th:
 
🌐 Week 1: Is it Love? Or a Trauma Bond?
- Unearth the essence of the Push/Pull dynamic. (Replay is already up)
🌐 Week 2: Unpacking and Preventing Infidelity
- Can the relationship be mended?
🌐 Week 3: Trauma Bonds and Money
- A journey of rediscovering Self-Worth.
🌐 Week 4: Becoming Trigger-Proof
- Strategies to pivot from insecure relationship patterns.
 
If you’re ready to dive deep, forge stronger relationships, and awaken conscious sexuality, among other enriching journeys, it's time to take action. Unmasking conditioning that wasn't originally yours requires dedication to identify the hidden culprits.
It's going to take some practice, and a little guidance to find the blind spots to de-condition what didn’t start with you.
 
So, are you in? Since I can't do facebook lives-- I CAN do zoom calls. Swing by our free Facebook group, register for the free zoom calls and begin the process, watching any trainings that you may have missed (pinned at the top), and register and have your questions answered before I take the group down.
 
Your wingman on the adventure,
Nima

When you’re ready to heal your relationship/attachment wounds and create relationships that feel secure, grab an earlybird ticket to our upcoming “Rewire: Love, Sex, and Money” event (September 29 — October 1)

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