The Willingness Of Imperfection (While On Daddy Duty)

Written By Dr. Nima

On March 12, 2024

Take a moment to reflect on how boundaries were modelled to you growing up.
Were you punished for sharing them?
Guilted into removing them?

In my family system, they weren’t really taught to us elegantly.

I’m not even blaming my parents, either.
We can’t lead others where we have never been.

In persian culture, it’s considered rude to set boundaries.

Fawning (performative people pleasing) is taught to us at an early age,
with the concept of “tarof,”
which is all about violating our own boundaries to appease others.

We suppress our truth with a freeze response,
while another part of us performs an act of self-abandonment.

You can imagine how much drama that might cause in relationships,
as that truth needs to come out SOMEHOW,

mostly through gossip, backbiting, or shit-talking
so we can dispel that suppressed energy somewhere,
leaving the chance of authentic relationships in the dust.

Imagine an entire culture’s identity is built on a Trauma Response.

The impact of this incongruence between my needs and what I communicate
was one of the critical factors that were the perfect storm
for my Trauma bonded relationship with my ex to thrive.

Because I was so used to having my requests for space ignored,
because that was FAMILIAR (meaning—  “like family”)
I didn’t see it as a red flag.

I didn’t take that as a sign to walk away.

Having my boundaries for space disrespected wasn’t abnormal,
so it was no surprise that I stayed far too long in a situation
that was unhealthy….

All because I didn’t have the awareness, practice and training in the
elegant skill of setting healthy boundaries.

When you become Trigger-Proof,
and master the art of elegant boundaries,

You deepen the connection between you and the other.
Sounds counter intuitive, but it’s true:
Intentional, healthy boundaries become points of connection
between you and the other.
When intentional healthy boundaries are set in a relationship,
the resentment between you dissolves,
as you no longer have to abandon yourself
in order to be in a relationship with them, and vice versa.

Think of how you’d react if you knew someone
had to violate their boundaries just to be in a relationship to you.

(Chances are, it happens often,
and you’re not conscious of it).

This is why to heal and create secure connections,
we MUST be willing to learn.

As I learned to navigate the nuanced terrain of elegant boundaries,
all of my relationships became more secure,
more loving,
more fulfilling.

More relaxed, less anxious.

I didn’t have to go to the extremes
of either fawning or completely avoiding people.

It turns out, to my surprise,
there’s a beautiful place in the middle.

I could then honor the need my body was expressing in the moment,
and developed the confidence to know
that if another person wasn’t willing to honor that need,
that I didn’t have to fawn, appease, or people please to stay in the relationship.

I could just direct my energy towards those who honored me
as much as I honored myself.

What a startling discovery.
It wasn’t them.
And it wasn’t my fault, either.
It was MY responsibility to learn the skills I was deficient in.

The biggest obstacle is the shame of realizing
how much time I had spent in fawning.

How much of my life was invested in people pleasing.

And how bad I SUCKED at setting elegant boundaries.

Things are different now.

But now in helping the hundreds of people in our CycleBreakers community,
navigate the treacherous terrain of Fawning and setting boundaries,
I realized that we ALL have the task to show up
WILLING to eat the same humble pie.

We all are on the same climb,
and the only way to do it is to be:

WILLING to suck at boundaries,
WILLING to get it wrong,
WILLING to get into ruptures
WILLING to repair
WILLING to get messy
as we navigate our new identity that isn’t led by our Traumas.

I realized that If I didn’t have that willingness,
I was going to my grave never having experienced love that felt safe.

Only with this willingness and humility was I able to create Secure Love.

And that’s why I love sharing these practices with others
who are just as willing to suck at it,
while they learn how to master the most important skill never taught in school:

How to become better at love.

By putting down the magnifying glass,
and picking up the mirror,

and mastering the art of elegant boundaries.

Your confident, secure, boundaried self awaits.

You got this.

Your wingman on the adventure,

P.S. If the tale of performing to please, of silence over speaking truth, resonates with you,
then my 3 hour workshop is your next step toward clarity and self-respect.

On Friday March 15th from 4-7 PST (7-10 EST)
which is 12 pm in Sydney on Saturday March the 16th,
In the "From Fawning to Secure Boundaries:
How to Elegantly Advocate for Yourself in Relationships,” workshop, we address:

        • Cultural Narratives and Personal Boundaries: Unpack how family and cultural teachings impact your boundary setting.
        • The Art of Elegant Boundaries: Discover strategies for asserting your space that honor both your needs and those of others.
        • Breaking the Cycle of Fawning: Move beyond people-pleasing to genuine relationship building.
        • Conflict as Connection: Learn to use disagreements as opportunities to deepen bonds rather than drive wedges.
        • From Fawning to Confidence: Shift from appeasement to asserting needs confidently, knowing when to walk away and when to stay.
As we guide you through these themes,
Neurosensory exercises ensure the transformation from insight to action,
making the learning not just understood but embodied.

This workshop is more than a learning experience—it's a space for some messy transformation.
It's for those ready to venture beyond familiar patterns into a realm of secure,
authentic connections. If you're prepared to explore the depths of your relationships and yourself,
to embrace the awkwardness of learning, and to emerge with a newfound sense of boundary and self, this is your invitation.


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