“It’s too late for me” is something I’ve been hearing quite a bit in my world
of relationship / Trauma bonding recovery.
It’s sad to hear— especially when there’s a more empowering perspective there.
We all want secure relationships, and if you’re a parent, of course
we also want to know that we are doing the best we can to make sure our kids
feel safe enough in their own skin to find secure love as well.
But we don’t know what we don’t know.
In the last two weeks as I’ve been creating content
around the role of parenting in our experience with relationship anxiety,
I’ve been getting some interesting feedback.
I just got this email from a woman named Susan,
after I spoke about how the trauma we experience growing up
(with authoritarian parents)
causes us to either repeat that same style and become authoritarian
or go EXACT OPPOSITE and become overly permissive with our children.
In her reply, this is what she had to say:
Exactly right. I was in the first generation mentioned above, and parented the exact opposite. Quite unconsciously. Lots of regrets. Too late for me to benefit from your workshop though.
Now that new information is coming out about Nervous System Regulation,
via the Polyvagal Theory (which is all about the Neuroscience of internal safety and protection),
parents are realizing that the “cry it out” method of sleep training,
or the “time-out” method of punishment, so universally recommended (and sometimes still is),
is actually setting a child up to abandon themselves,
and break from their own sense of self trust,
contributing to all sorts of anxiety and mental health issues growing up,
not to mention all the attachment issues in relationships.
It’s not uncommon to hear our Cyclebreakers learn about self-regulation,
and co-regulation and shudder to think of all the ways
they dropped the ball when they were raising their kids.
“I’ve screwed up my kids!”
“It’s too late for me” is what they say.
To answer this, I’m going to offer you a vision to consider.
Imaging you’re in your 40’s or 50’s— (even 60’s!)
and your parents were still alive,
and you had them over to your place
and with an open heart, with deep understanding,
your parents gave you an opportunity to have YOUR story
feel seen and heard….
And they suddenly had the capacity to empathize with
things you felt incomplete with,and they held the space for your resentments to be seen and heard,
WITHOUT defensiveness or dismissing your experience.
Imagine that for a second.
How would you feel?
Imagine all the shame you carried
when you felt their rejection or invalidation of your experience,
FINALLY dissolve as they suddenly have the capacity
to be safe witnesses to you… to finally UNDERSTAND you?
What would that feel like?
Would that make an impact on you?
What if you’re in your 30’s?
Would that be “too late?”
HELL NO.
When you learn about Polyvagal Parenting,
and you’re able to heal with the younger parts of YOURSELF,
You literally break the cycle for generations.
You can’t shift without your children feeling it within you.
You can’t shift without your mother and father noticing it within you.
You BECOME that safe container.
See, it’s never too late to begin the process of connection and repair,
and re-wiring the patterns of your past that caused disconnection with your family.
And that reconnection can only AUTHENTICALLY come
on the other side of healing with the younger parts of YOURSELF.
Today is only day one… and no matter how young/old your children are,
it’s NEVER too late to learn how to create a magical experience for them,
where you can literally re-write the past in the present moment.
In fact, when we make this now moment-- the moment where
we FINALLY address all the conditioning and wounding
that had us reactive, anxious, dismissive and defensive,
our relationships begin to flourish,
we heal, and we feel a sense of relief from all the shame and guilt we carry.
Everyone gets to benefit from that growth, especially our children.
Imagine if you were in your 40’s and your parents decided
to do the healing work that had them parent you with a mountain of insecurity
that was passed down to you.
Would you tell them it’s "too late?”
That’s what happened when Jenna took on becoming Trigger-proof. Both
her mother and grandmother were so inspired, they took it upon themselves
to step up and heal what they were carrying as well.
A rising tide lifts all boats.
Instead of “It’s too late for me"— it’s wiser to shift it to
"What a beautiful time to begin to learn how to repair
what didn’t start with me.”
When you do, you pass on the healing to the next generation,
and the previous generation.
Whether they are 3 years old like my son Dominic, or they are 33 years old.
What a gift to them.
It’s never too late to create a richer experience for yourself by healing
what didn’t start with you.
It can end with you.
Your guide on the side,
Nima
P.S If you want to learn the fundamentals of how to repair with a child
throwing a tantrum, or a kid who’s been exhibiting problematic behaviors,
and you want to help them regulate as a team instead of
punishing them as your enemy, providing empathy, understanding and
healthy boundaries so that they don’t grow up as narcissists— or anxious fawning
people pleasers — you’re invited to our 3 hour community workshop on Friday April 19th:
Connecting to an Anxious Child: Support Your Kid's Emotional Health
by Becoming a Polyvagal Parent (From a Somatic Lens).
For only $30 you will learn exactly how to stop repeating the same mistakes as your parentswho didn’t know-- and learn become the conscious, polyvagal parent your child needs,
even if they are adults.
Break the Cycle Here.
