Where Men Drop The Ball

Written By Dr. Nima

On June 15, 2024
Where Men Drop The Ball - Dr. Nima Rahmany
There’s no shortage of complaints about how men show up in relationships.
 
We fear what we don’t understand.
 
Most men don’t understand women.
(And most women don’t understand men.)
 
From a very young age, we ALSO get so many mixed messages.
  • Be a man, don’t show emotions
  • It’s not ok to feel angry
  • Your anger is unwarranted (which will turn to rage)
  • Suck it up and "Be a Man
  • Happy wife, happy life
  • Say “Yes dear"
  • Aggression is Toxic Masculinity…
As a result, we end up not understanding OURSELVES.
 
I remember thinking that my main job in terms of being a husband
was to become as successful as possible,
to be the “provider” financially,
and that should guarantee me a good marriage with a wife who was
respectful, open, and grateful towards me.
 
I had no idea that one of the things a healthy woman needs is
to get her emotional needs met.
 
What I call “emotional provision”.
I had no clue what that was.
 
So to no surprise, when my first marriage hit rocky roads,
I HAD ZERO CLUE ABOUT WHAT TO DO WITH EMOTIONS.
 
Mine or hers.
 
My emotions at the time swung back and forth between anger, and anxiety.
 
I didn’t know what to do with all the shame, guilt, loneliness, and fear.
 
So I did what most men do:
I buried it — not realizing it was running the show in the background.
 
One of the gifts of a massive relationship breakdown
is looking at the pieces of my emotional game
and realizing what was at cause of the breakdown:
 
My lack of containment and protection boundaries with my emotions.
 
As it turns out, I’m not alone.
Most people I work with who are stuck in a “should I stay or go”
situation, even healing through a breakup realize they’re in the same boat
as I was.
 
Without the proper skills of elegant boundaries,
we become walled off (avoidant) from others,
or we simply can not separate ourselves from others emotions,
and our anxious attachments end up creating relational chaos.
 
It’s either lose myself in a partner, or push them away.
 
There was no in between for me.
 
We drop the ball when we don’t learn how to become Trigger-Proof,
and learn how to navigate conflict and turn it into deeper intimacy.
 
It’s a skill no one taught me, that ended up costing me
hundreds of thousands (if not more).
 
The common thing I see with men was what I was challenged with:
Men don’t learn how to work with the energy of emotions,
the triggers as they arise in others (and ourselves)
we then end up feeling victimized by by our woman’s emotions.
 
Then we can’t lead, and we become EMASCULATED.
 
We lose our boundaries (Enmeshment).
We can’t separate ourselves from others.
Like a jellyfish drifting in the ocean.
 
We become “Nice guys” who then get pushed and pushed—
then we snap and lose our sh*t.
 
Then we validate the narrative that “men are not safe”
and become victims of our own reactivity, hurting ourselves and others.
 
If you notice, this isn’t just a men’s issue.
It’s a human issue.
 
Our children are impacted by this.
 
There’s nothing like the threat of relationship loss to help wake us up
to learning skills that we were never taught.
 
When Ben first reached out to me,
he was caught in that dance — and completely lost the magnetism in his relationship.
They became room mates.
 
Cue the inevitable break-up.
 
Which ended up being the wake up call that led him
to recognize the importance of learning how to become Trigger-Proof,
and as you’ll see in this 10 minute interview— he realized
that not learning the high-level attachment skills was even more serious:
 
It was impacting his SELF WORTH.
 
That’s what’s on the other side of doing the work:  Self Worth.
Where men and women drop the ball,
the upstream root cause can essentially be traced back to…
a lack of Self Worth.
 
And the good news is,
this is a skill that can be learned like reading or swimming.
 
Our relationships, career, sense of what we feel we deserve in receiving,
and our entire life experience depends on it.
 
Imagine if you learned how.
 
New lens: You didn’t drop the ball.
You just didn’t have Self-Worth at the time.
 
Given your conditioning, I’m sure you can see how that makes sense.
 
Now imagine what happens on the other side of learning how.
What could be possible?
 
Your wingman on the adventure,
Nima
P.S. Announcement: On Saturday June 29th from 12-6pm PST (3-9PM EST) 
(that’s 5am-11am Sunday the 30th in Sydney)
I’m taking 10 couples through an advanced training on Self Worth, 
Nervous System Regulation skills, 
Shadow integration and Somatic Training on Becoming Trigger-Proof.
This is ideal for men and women in a “should I stay or go” relationship dynamic
where you want to create a safe container for children to thrive and become resilient. 
The mechanisms of Rupture/Repair will be discussed and practiced over these 6 hours
so that arguments can go from days and weeks where it’s killing your vibe — 
to minutes and hours— and these skills are easily taught to children.
At $397 USD per enrolment— your partner/friend is able to join for FREE. 
This is for those who want to make 2024 the year they become Trigger-Proof.
 
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