If you’ve ever been stuck in the “loop of doom”
in a relationship dynamic, you’ll understand this exhausting dance:
After the honeymoon phase is finished,
which lasts between up to 6 months to 18 months…
you graduate to the next phase of the relationship,
which is called the “power struggle” phase.
Here’s what it looks like:
You’re effected by their mood.
You look to THEM to determine how you’re “supposed to” feel.
Their upset becomes YOUR upset.
As a result of this dance, when they are triggered,
they turn to a coping strategy to deal with their pain…
They distract with work, video games, football, p*rnography…
anything to avoid feeling what’s happening between you…
then this results in YOU getting triggered in to not feeling important.
Your abandonment wounds get activated.
This is not your fault.
It’s perfectly normal.
But if you haven’t yet learned the skills
(which involve the body, much like a dance move),
this activation causes you to regress
calling your wounded younger parts to come out
and protest with controlling behaviors,
blame, and a needy “push” like energy.
Unfortunately this causes what you want to go further away from you.
What you want is connection.
Understanding.
Repair.
Without the skills of breaking through the power struggle phase,
you’ll find yourself alone (even if you’re in a relationship)
or avoiding the exhausting dance altogether,
because you’ve done the courses and talk therapies
and nothing has been able to solve the riddle.
The good news is that it doesn’t have to be that way.
I discovered this same exhausting dance (only I was the avoidant),
and what I learned was that that lack of separation between me and the other
was called “enmeshment”— and that was not my fault (or yours)
but its actually a developmental trauma we were conditioned into
by well-meaning parents who hadn’t healed THEIR enmeshment wounding
in their family system.
Symptoms include:
Wanting to separate from the people you love the most.
Having other’s people’s emotional states and anxiety becoming YOUR anxiety,
and an inability to sit with someone who is having big emotions without
a compulsion to fix or rescue or run.
I saw this pattern and was committed to making sure I didn’t pass this along to my son.
This enmeshment pattern is the root cause of Codependency.
And talking about it to a therapist simply doesn’t do squat except bring a label to it.
Learning masculine and feminine communication is powerful, but without THIS
foundational skill, it’s like learning how to drive with a lamborghini going full-blast.
Communication doesn’t land well without healing that developmental trauma FIRST.
My clients often would complain “my therapist helped me identify what was wrong,
but then I wasn’t given tools in how to fix it.”
If you are resonating with this, just know that you’re not alone.
I learned that by Becoming Trigger-Proof,
I could create a separation between me and another person,
and THEIR ANXIETY DIDN’T HAVE TO BECOME MY ANXIETY.
This is why I left my chiropractic practice: Because I made a huge discovery
people were not seeing.
If you’ve already done so much to heal,
and yet you’re frustrated by your progress,
consider the possibility that you aren’t broken…
and there are NO SHORTCUTS TO THIS:
It’s likely that you haven’t yet looked at the upstream root cause of it all:
Unresolved enmeshment wounding.
And the good news is that you CAN heal this if you’re willing to go deeper
than watching videos and venting.
When you do, your self worth emerges as does your confidence.
All the communication you’re learning and boundary setting practices
feel more embodied, and your magnetism goes through the roof.
Men get rooted in their masculine leadership,
and for women— their radiance emerges.
People start asking you what you’ve been doing differently,
and it’s only YOU that will know where the difference came from.
Imagine what it would be like to stop being SO AFFECTED by others.
This is the path to healing families…
your wingman on the adventure
to breaking free from enmeshment wounding,
Nima
P.S. Does this email resonate with you?
If you find yourself in this power struggle phase,
I’m listening.
Hit reply and make sure you give me your back story,
sharing what you’ve tried in the past, what worked, and where
you’re frustrated.
If you’re tired of being stuck in the same exhausting relationship cycles,
and ready to break free from the enmeshment that’s been holding you back,
let’s talk.
I’m opening a few spots for a Trigger-Proof Blind Spot session
to reveal the root cause of what’s really driving your anxious/avoidant dance.
If you’re serious about healing and ready to step into your power,
hit reply with your story and end it with,
"Nima, I’m ready to break the cycle and take back control.
Please send me your private calendar link."
This isn’t for everyone—
but if you’re done with feeling stuck and ready for a true breakthrough,
let’s make it happen.
This 30 minute call is no-charge, no obligation,
but your back story will help me determine
if I can see any blind spots in your journey
and will send you my calendar link if I feel I can help.
