How to Deal With an Avoidant

I just spoke to a woman stuck in indecision.
She has been 8 years in a situationship
with an avoidant who pulls away when things get close,
then when she’s ready to move on,
he comes on strong again.

Every month for the last 8 years.

The thing she hated the most about her situation?

Her reactions to him. She feels she should know better.
So much shame.
The fact that she KNOWS he’s not healthy for a relationship,
but that doesn’t stop her from:

She kept giving him another chance,
clinging onto hope that he would change,
she kept abandoning her needs for the sake of connection
and all along she knew this wasn’t healthy.

Any friend that she would help going through the same thing,
she would easily tell them to move on.
She would want that for her own daughter.

But for some reason she couldn’t take her own advice.

She HATES how she’s been showing up.
It’s impacting her work,
and her sense of presence with her daughter
who sees her mother struggling.

I sat with her and she cried tears of shame.

Many in our cyclebreakers community
started out exactly in the same situation:

Having read the books and done the therapy and courses,
but still stuck in this same dance,
like a hamster in a wheel going nowhere,
but energetically drained.

Disconnected.

Zero sense of self worth.

It hurts to be in your mid 30’s and wonder
if you’re ever going to feel safe and secure
in a relationship.

I’ve been there.

I was there in my mid 40’s.

I was terrified for the future, ashamed of myself.

Being on the other side has me constantly reflecting
on how I can help those who are stuck in the
anxious/avoidant dance.

I was the avoidant in my last Trauma Bonded relationship.
If you can relate— or you’re dating someone like I was,
I want to help you understand better
two important things to remember to help you navigate
the avoidant, so that you can live harmoniously—
or finally get the courage to leave:

1) Celebrate their need for space.
Yes I said it.
The avoidant wants connection,
but they are terrified of being CONSUMED by it.

Consumed with responsibility.
Consumed with guilt.
Consumed with shame.

This sucks to be on the receiving end of it,
but by acknowledging and celebrating their SPACE,
you ironically create a sense of safety for them
to return without being “punished” or judged
as “bad”.

Remember, us avoidants can’t stand
failure and rejection, so we will do what we can
to avoid it.

2) Rewire fear of abandonment and rejection

Learn how to de-condition how quickly you
abandon yourself when you get triggered in conflict.
Shift how quickly you fawn, people please, and
withhold your truth because you’re afraid of
being abandoned or hurting someone’s feelings.

Said a different way, imagine what your life would feel like
if you weren’t so controlled by the fear of abandonment.

Imagine no longer needing to put all your focus on THEM,
their moods, their happiness, and being able to fill your own cup first.
Imagine no longer needing to diagnose them (Narcissistic/Avoidant),
to label them to make yourself feel better…Or living in
“waiting” energy— waiting for them to validate you.

Imagine feeling so confident and secure within yourself
that you are magnetically radiating on another level.

It’s exactly when you’re buzzing with self love and worth
that you flow with your magnetism and purpose,
and you’re brimming with confidence.

Your ability to authentically self-resource
when someone takes space is your ticket to living a
life where you’re being pursued rather than the anxious pursuer.

Passively WAITING for connection is basically
a fastpass to a lonely and defeated wasteland where dreams go to die.

There IS another way.

That way emerges when you stop focussing on fixing the avoidant,
and learn how to deal with what you’re avoiding within you instead.

I’m here to show you the way.

Your wingman on the adventure,

Nima