The anxious-avoidant cycle can get exhausting.
When two parties aren’t trigger-proof, things can get heated.
In secure relationships, boundary violations are handled
elegantly.
Not so elegant when the "two anxieties” of unconscious polarityare at play.
Let me explain.
When you’re arguing with your partner (or even a friend),
it’s not the adult in front of you that you’re talking to.
You’re talking to a wounded little boy or girl, crying for help.
The younger part of one partner is preoccupied with
fixing the conflict immediately in order to feel safe.
(This is the anxious partner who’s afraid of abandonment).
The younger part of the other partner feels overwhelmed
with this, and needs to run away to avoid the conflict in order to feel safe.(This is the avoidant partner who’s run by the “fear of engulfment").
The first one needs constant communication and reassurance.
The second see this as controlling and oppressive.
This second one needs freedom and space to feel safe.
The first one feels that this is a cruel form of abandonment
This is why all the talk therapy doesn’t work:
Because these core wounds are far more powerful than that level of conversation.
This is NOT an intellectual conversation.
It’s revealed in the language of the body.
If you are struggling in the anxious/avoidant push/pull dance,
where one partner’s need for connection is driving the other’s need for space,
and you want to learn about an off-ramp to this exhaustive cycle,
I share exactly what that is in this episode of the Manxiety Podcast.
See if you can relate.
When you get this right, you up level past the power struggle,
out of the “should I stay or go” purgatory,
into relationship fulfillment.
When you don’t get this down— you can spend decades in therapy,
arguing over the same things,
hoping they will finally get over their “avoidance” but it never happens,
wearing you down, killing your life force energy, and causing
health issues.
See if you can spot the patterns and release them on this episode,
simply by mastering the “two anxieties” that we MUST confront
in every relationship.
Your wingman on the adventure.
Nima
