"Come close to me."
"Get away from me."
"I need you."
"I need you to leave me alone."
"I can’t live without you."
"I can’t live like this anymore".
These were soundbites from my last relationship.
I didn’t know the term “Trauma Bond”
but after being successful in every area of life except the most important
(intimate relationship),
I decided to do the necessary work to get to the bottom of what got me there.
After that relationship ended,
I went on a quest to make sure I never repeated this same dynamic.
The walking on eggshells,
scanning each other’s moods,
withholding our feelings not to “trigger” the other,
people pleasing, avoiding,
the constant anxiety of being around one another,
trying to make the other happy,
so we can try to take control of how the afternoon
(or entire weekend) is about to go.
I would deliberately take my time coming home from work
because after a challenging day, the last thing I needed
was more work.
Dealing with her big emotions was WORK—
a job I had no interest in after a long day.
If you are stuck in this push/pull dynamic,
just know that you’re not alone.
You could likely be stuck in a Trauma Bond
like I was, without you even knowing about it.
Trauma Bonds are highly polarized dynamics,
(beginning with love/sex-bombing,)
that are actually born out of a compulsion to repeat
what was incomplete in childhood.
They’re not your fault, but without becoming aware of those dynamics,
without taking responsibility to heal the root cause,
without developing the skills of conscious relating,
self regulation, and becoming Trigger-Proof,
relationships end up feel like a merry-go round
where life feels like groundhog day.
Just spoke with a woman
who’s done weekly counselling sessions with her husband,
but the sessions never once dove deep into
actually healing the dynamics of the bond itself.
It was more of a venting session.
How frustrating: going every week, venting your side of the story,
having the other vent their side, both parties trying to get validation for who’s “right”.
What she didn’t realize or learn:
You can’t resolve the trauma bond trying to be “right” or “seen.”
It’s impossible at that level.
No embodiment training.
No change in the capacity to be with difficult emotions.
As you can see in this short clip from my discussion with Dr. Russ:
We MUST go deeper to discover where it all begins:
THE TRAUMA BOND BEGINS
WITH TWO PEOPLE TRYING TO RESCUE ONE ANOTHER.
The damsel in distress.
The addict.
The wounded soul in need of a savior.
When I discovered this, I stopped trying to talk my way out,
and went inwards and learned how to resolve with the parts of me
that needed to be the rescuer to feel like he was good enough.
What I discovered was a part of me that needed to be rescued by MYSELF.
Sit with that one for a moment.
If you’re stuck in the anxious avoidant dance,
constantly attracting the same type of relationships with people
where you end up abandoning yourself,
or in the same argument with a partner in a power struggle phase,
just know that
1) You’re not alone
2) it’s not your fault.
3) YOU CAN HEAL THIS.
When you do, you break cycles for the next generation
because your children get to experience parents with connection
and abundant love.
I’m a living proof.
I went from a toxic abusive trauma bond,
to a relationship where secure attachment thrives,
and our beautiful boy turns 4 this weekend.
If I can do it,
so can you.
It’s all about your commitment level
and your WILLINGNESS to lean in and say
“It didn’t start with me, but it ends with me”.
You got this.
Your wingman on the adventure to secure love,
Nima
(I stand for healed families).
P.S. The connection you’ve been craving isn’t far away—
it’s just on the other side of your willingness to heal and have your blind spots revealed.
If you’re ready to get off the merry-go-round
and experience the love and family you truly deserve,
but you resonate with this video and wonder if there is something you’re overlooking,
I’m happy to open up some time for the *right person*
to have me listen to what you are experiencing,
and give you some honest feedback.
This is for you if: You’ve done the work,
you’re doing (or have already invested in therapy)
you’re no stranger to self reflection, you’re successful at work,
but still feel like a victim in relationships being over run by the fear of abandonment,
or you get overwhelmed quickly and want to run.
And here’s the kicker: You’re TIRED OF FEELING THAT WAY.
(You’ll be surprised how many aren’t).
If this sounds like you, let’s talk.
Hit reply and give me the details of your back story and what you’ve tried,
what worked and what hasn’t.
Include the words
“Nima I’m ready to see my blind spots, can I get your
calendar link?”
And if there is any space left this week, then I’ll send you a link.
It didn’t start with you… but it can absolutely end with you my friend.
