Understanding The Push/Pull Dynamic

Did you ever wonder why the push-pull dynamic keeps coming upin insecure relationship dynamics?

It all makes perfect sense when you study the mechanism.

Insecure (and exhausting) push-pull dynamics happen because
we haven’t yet learned how to navigate the two primary attachment fears gone awry:

1. The Fear of Abandonment— being left behind, drifting in a sea of loneliness and despair.
2. The Fear of Engulfment — being consumed, eaten alive, and losing oneself.

That’s it. The unconsciously polarizing dance of these two extremes,
and not knowing what do about them are what’s underneath your relationship woes.

If we haven’t yet become Trigger-Proof and learned how to work with the unconscious material
(Conflicts) that will arise between two souls with a wounded past,
then you’ll notice things start going south real fast:-

You won’t speak up and share what’s arising for you in an elegant way—
hiding your discomfort because you think it might upset them.

Or-

You DO speak up— but with force/aggression,
or in some way that causes others to be repelled and pushes them away.

Either way, we feel like the victim (and so do they).

The worst part of all is the fact that reading all the attachment books,
watching all the youtube videos, and talking to your therapist helps with understanding
WHY this chaos is happening and relationships don’t feel safe,
but as you know— these modalities alone don’t create a NEW pathway for us,
where we CAN ACTUALLY EXPERIENCE RELATIONSHIPS AS NOURISHING.

Imagine a possibility where you CAN experience relationships as solid,
steady, uplifting and fulfilling resources filled with
playfulness and joy.

I didn’t have that modelled to me so I didn’t know it was even possible.

Turns out, it IS.

I— an avoidant, player who couldn’t commit is living it.
And if I can do it— you can too.

To get there, you have to be willing to commit
to becoming the kind of person who can have their partner say:

“My partner is my peace”.

Try that on right now.

Can you say that about your partner?
Can your partner say that about you?

Do you even have the WILLINGNESS to learn how?

The good news is this IS entirely possible.

But to do so, you will need to get out of fantasy-land in thinking we can learn a skill by observation alone.

You can’t learn to ride a bike or play the piano from just reading a book.

At some point, you have to DO THE THING.

BUT WHAT THING?

In this case, the “thing" would be to master the rupture/repair process
that stops the negative cycle of the push/pull anxious/avoidant dance
so that when you’re triggered by one another,
you can move towards CONNECTION instead of DISCONNECTION.

This requires a conscious understanding of attachment and conscious polarity.

The impact of these skills can not be understated.

Your Health shifts (our students with auto-immune issues end up resolving them)
Anxiety lifts (you feel safe in your body)
SELF-TRUST and confidence emerge (because you’re no longer running away from your shadow).

And your children watching you get the benefit as well.

Think of how much your kids are impacted by the energy in the family container.

whether we like it or not, kids are watching everything,
listening to everything,
and forming thoughts and beliefs that will live with them for decades.

And one day, they (unfortunately) will end up being on an email list like this.

WHAT YOU’RE UP AGAINST

The biggest obstacle I see in most humans is our RESISTANCE to doing the real work.

It feels safer talking to a therapist pretending that you’re building resilience.

That takes more effort.

When you’re willing to move through the fear and resistance,
and start getting your body involved,
you’ll notice a few wins right off the bat:

1. Decrease in feelings of shame and guilt (because you see you’re not alone)
2. Increase in your experience of self worth
   (because you set a boundary and made yourself a priority)

Those two foundational shifts unlock pretty much everything else
you’ve ever wanted in your relational game as your MAGNETISM
upgrades and the RIGHT people start to find you.

Clients — you start attracting higher vibing clients (I’m loving my new peeps).
Dates (if you’re single— start showing up as more conscious and aware.
And if you’re partnered— your partner is either inspired to step up to meet you,
or if they don’t— you have the courage to walk away with an open heart,
answering the “should I stay or go” question once and for all.

Either way you win.

The push-pull dynamic is a symptom of an underlying problem.

And once you make the shifts— Your relational experience upgrades.
Period.

End of discussion.

You get to make that call.

Imagine that.

Your wingman on the adventure,

Nima