Inevitably on the path towards healing our relationship dynamics,
there comes a time when we are called to wake up,
put down the magnifying glass,
and pick up a mirror instead.
Sadly, many who are on the road to recovery haven’t even gotten there yet.
They’re the ones who obsessively are hyper focussed on their partner’s issues,
And completely oblivious to their own.
In all the emails and DM’s I receive
from people sharing the pain of their attachment woes,
those that are still running victim stories of past lovers
have a few things in common:
they’re still bitter
their health sucks
they can’t sleep because they’re in sympathetic (fight or flight)
they’re bringing this tone of resentment of the past into the present, recreating a future where they keep pushing people away from their exhaustive energy.
they’re putting up walls around them,
while desperately seeking attention and validation from the hurt
they haven’t resolved that’s still buried deep within them.
This is called “approach-avoidance”.
Classic Push-pull dynamics.
If this sounds like you,
please know I have compassion for what you’re going through.
It was 4 years ago where I noticed the exact same patterns, looking for a way out.
In that space, every new relationship is doomed to recreate the Trauma Bond pattern.
We become easy prey to love bombing—getting swept off our feet, as our victimhood attracts a rescuer,
who eventually becomes our next villain in line.
Once this cycle has repeated a few times,
the exhausted souls looking to ascend will finally have the courage to answer the suspicion...
“Am I the toxic one?”
or better put,
“WHAT IS UNRESOLVED WITHIN ME THAT NEEDS HEALING?”
This is a good start,
because as a practitioner who’s worked in a mind/body healing profession for over 20 years,
I know that humility is a critical factor in healing.
Professionally, I saw how those who healed and created healthy relationships finally said “enough of this”—
and took the path on with great humility,
choosing to let go of their victim-identity
they were clinging onto for so long as a way of making sense of the world around them.
Personally, at the age of 43 --I knew if I was to avoid my biggest fear of dying alone—never having had experienced true, secure love in this lifetime (because I hadn’t up until the age of 43)
I FELT CALLED TO LOOK AT THE MAN IN THE MIRROR AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY.
And if you want to make sure that you DON’T leave the planet
WITHOUT experiencing what the true nourishment of secure love feels like, my invitation is to drop the words “fault,” “blame,” and “toxic” out of your vocabulary, and look closely at the parts of you that are needing to grow up.
The truth is, what society labels as “toxic” is inaccurate.
Replace the word “toxic” with “wounded” and now you are getting what the “path” is all about.
When we experience trauma—where we had energy and experiences that were too much, too fast, or too soon for our system to regulate, or not enough for a prolonged period of time (through neglect)—a part of us gets frozen in time there, unconsciously seeking re-union with ourselves.
We get “arrested development,” and even though we might be CEO’s, parents, Prime Ministers and Presidents that are “supposed” to act like adults, when activated, we regress back to those parts of ourselves that become needy, child-like, reactive, manipulative, selfish, reactive, violent, cruel, vengeful and unable to hear and see the person in front of us.
And there’s nothing like an intimate partnership that helps bring up all these wounded parts within us, as we bring up in them.
That’s what relationships are for:
To learn how to love those parts.
The question is—WHAT ARE WE DOING ABOUT IT??
(I mean ACTIVELY-- beyond watching videos and reading books).
Sadly, many are resistant to looking inward,
and use videos as a distraction.
Many want to point fingers at the other one’s “toxic” traits and shortcomings.
Many want to keep obsessing about the other person’s behavior instead of addressing what’s inside.
Many just want to go talk about things and get validated by a therapist—wanting the other person to change so they
don’t have to confront all those wounded parts.
This ends up causing a never-ending pattern of unfulfillment.
I can always tell who the ones that are going heal are.
They show up with a different intention, with questions that are intrinsic-based, and THEY WON'T BE STOPPED.
I call these people "#Cyclebreakers".
The #Cyclebreaker says “It didn’t start with me. It’s not my fault. There’s no one to blame. BUT IT ENDS WITH ME.”
When you do, you gain access to
a sense of belonging within yourself you’ve been seeking outside yourself all along.
A relationship that actually works with the other (another) person (because you’ve found true love for yourself)
A home that finally feels like a sanctuary – with great energy inside where everyone including the kids feel safe
If you’re single—you gain the confidence to date because you won’t betray or abandon yourself and are able to set boundaries and walk away if it’s not a match.
The biggest obstacle for many is the shame and guilt of initially picking up that mirror.
Yes it can be painful. I sure as heck didn’t like seeing what I had become and accepted and settled for in my last relationship.
And this Christmas was my best ever, where 4 years ago I was looking in the mirror and absolutely disgusted with where my unconsciousness had led me, and what I had settled for.
Yes, we have all wounded parts.
Yes they impact our ways of relating to others.
And YES THEY CAN SHIFT AND HEAL.....
IF AND ONLY IF-- we are willing to take responsibility (not blame) for addressing the wounded (NOT TOXIC!!) parts of ourselves that really need to grow up—and shift our states into the Secure humans we deserve to be.
When we do—those around us either step up to heal with us, or we attract another level of human who can hang with our new way of relating.
Either way, when we take on the healing work—we win.
I'm curious. Where are you at on the road to healing? Are you holding the magnifying glass? Or have you picked up the mirror yet?
What have you discovered? Comment below and let me know what comes up for you. I read all comments.
(P.S. If this post speaks to you and you want more training on how to break the Trauma Bond, join me for my 90-minute free zoom workshop "Should I stay or Go?"
-- ideal for people stuck in challenging relationship dynamics, or folks that are single wanting to heal so that they can upgrade the type of person they are attracting in their lives)