Stop Blaming Yourself—Fix This Instead

If you’re having relationship challenges,
see if this hits close to home:

You've been in therapy for months, maybe years,
trying to fix relationships that keep falling into the same patterns.

You understand your dynamics.
You can articulate your childhood wounds and attachment styles.
You know exactly why your relationship struggles keep repeating.

But you're still stuck.

Still triggered by the same things.
Still repeating the same cycles.
Still feeling like you're at the mercy of your circumstances.

You keep showing up,
hoping this will be the session that finally changes everything.

But week after week,
you leave feeling like you've just paid someone $200
to listen to you complain about the same problems.

This is the classic therapy vs change dilemma -
lots of talking, minimal transformation.

For folks who crush it in other areas of life,
this creates a particular kind of torture.

For people used to solving problems.
setting goals, creating strategies, and executing,
It works everywhere else.

But in the realm of relationships
they notice feeling completely helpless.

If you can relate, you know it’s like
you're waiting for someone else to rescue you
from your own life.

Here's what nobody told
my surgeon client why he was still stuck:

In the realm of personal growth and healing…

You haven’t identified what
"this is working" actually means.

Most people approach personal growth
like they're wandering around a foreign city without a destination.

They're just... walking.
Hoping they'll randomly stumble into a secure relationship
or emotional resilience where they never get triggered,
and don’t feel the normal resistance of life.

The tension between wanting autonomy,
and desiring deep connection.

It’s a complicated dance that is ever evolving.
It’s heavily nuanced.

Therapists ask, "How are you feeling?"
You answer, "Better, I guess?"

They nod knowingly, and you book another session.

But what wtf are you actually working toward?

What does success look like in your relationships?
In your emotional life?
In your daily experience?

How are you responding to triggers?
How are you navigating conflict?

Most people have no clue.

They just know they're not happy
and they want someone else to figure it out for them.

This is why you can spend years in therapy
talking about the same issues without any real change.

You're not working toward anything specific.

You're just... processing.

And processing without direction is just expensive complaining.

How about you try this on as a new lens
to view your issue:

You're externally governed.

Meaning your emotional state,
your sense of worth,
your daily experience depends entirely
on what's happening around you.

Your partner's in a good mood–You feel good.
Your boss gives you praise– You feel valuable.
Your friends don't text back quickly– You feel rejected.

You're like a pinball, bouncing off whatever energy is around you,
with no control over where you end up.

One client described her experience as “I feel like a jellyfish”. 

This victim mentality is exhausting -
and it's exactly the opposite of the sovereignty you need
to create lasting change.

For successful people,
this is maddening because it makes no logical sense.

You can manage teams,
negotiate complex deals,
and make high-level decisions.

But your emotional well-being is controlled
by whether someone texted you back in time.
(Not exactly the energy of a high performer.)

Here's where it gets even more frustrating:

You keep looking for external solutions to an internal problem.

The right therapist.
The right book.
The right partner who will finally understand you.

You're essentially waiting for someone else
to come rescue you from your own emotional patterns.

But nobody's coming.

And it’s not because people don't care.
It’s not because help isn't available.

It’s more nuanced than that.
It’s because the nature of the problem
requires you to stop blaming yourself for past conditioning
and start taking responsibility for your future transformation.

And most folks have never learned how to do that.

Consider the possibility that you've been conditioned to believe
that healing happens to you, not through you.

You sit in a chair, talk about your feelings,
and hope the therapist has some magic insight
that will finally set you free.

But insight alone is not how real transformation works.

Real transformation happens when you develop
what I call the four pillars of sovereign love:

Sovereignty: You're no longer externally governed.
Your emotional state comes from within,
not from your circumstances.

Agency: You have choice.
You're not a victim of your patterns,
your past, or your partner's moods.

Capacity: You can sit with uncomfortable emotions -
yours and others' - without losing touch with yourself.
This is true emotional resilience.

Resilience: You can handle whatever life throws at you
because you trust your ability to feel your way through it,
without having to suppress, distract, or sedate.

These aren't therapy concepts.

These are life skills.

And here's the thing:
you get to define what "it’s working for me" means for you.

Maybe it means being able to set boundaries
where you used to just suffer in silence as a doormat.

Maybe it means helping your partner regulate
when they're upset instead of losing your shit on them.

Maybe it means feeling safe in your own skin
for the first time ever, not waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Maybe it means breaking the cycle of depression
that's been running your life,
feeling like your creative self expression is back.

You tell me what working looks like,
and I'll help you reverse engineer exactly how to get there.

Because what “working” means for you
is different from what it means for someone else.

This is the beauty of taking ownership
of your own transformation.

You're not trying to fit into someone else's idea of healing.
You're creating your own vision of what an extraordinary life looks like.

Then you're building the internal capacity to create it.

It’s not about becoming perfect.
It's about becoming powerful.

Powerful enough to choose your response
instead of being hijacked by your reactions.

Powerful enough to stay connected to yourself
even when everything around you is chaotic.

Powerful enough to create the relationships,
the career, the life you actually want
instead of just managing the one you have.

When you develop these four pillars, things shift in your home:

You stop being a victim of your circumstances
and start being the author of your experience.

You stop waiting for other people to change
and start creating the energy you want to live in.

You stop managing your emotions
and start dancing with them.

You stop surviving your relationships
and start thriving in them.

The coolest thing our cycle breakers tell me
is that once they become their own rescuer,
they stop needing rescue.

Which means–
they stop attracting narcissistic types with savior complexes.

They become the person others turn to
when they're struggling.

They become the steady presence in the room
when everyone else is freaking out.

They become magnetic not because they're perfect,
but because they're sovereign.

That's what real confidence looks like.

Not the fake-it-till-you-make-it version.
Not the performance of having your shit together.

But the quiet knowing that whatever happens, you can handle it.

Because you've learned to rescue yourself.

When I did that, I brought into my life these amazing humans.
So if I can do it from being in a toxic trauma bond,

Imagine what you could do.

Your guide to sovereignty,
and wingman on the adventure,

Nima
(I stand for healed families)