You've moved on.
You've even started dating other people.
you're back in their bed.
The walls closing in.
a 39-year-old Pilates instructor and mother of two
who's been caught in this pattern with her ex for years.
"Every time, I say it's the last time.
But then I open the door... and it happens again.”
But as we explored deeper, something more complex emerged.
You crave intimacy.
You want to be seen, known, and loved.
You feel yourself disappearing.
Your independence feels threatened.
You create distance.
You make yourself unavailable.
and the cycle begins again.
Sandra explained.
the fear of engulfment.
Deep down, you believe that true intimacy means losing yourself.
That connection requires self-abandonment.
where she felt fundamentally different from her family.
To belong meant suppressing who she really was.
prevents the very healing that would allow her to break free.
she reinforces her belief that intimacy and autonomy can't coexist.
- Constant background sadness
- Divided energy and focus
- Limited capacity for growth
- Ongoing shame and self-judgment
- A persistent feeling of being stuck
While she's caught in this loop, she's not building the skills
that would allow her to have both love AND autonomy.
She's not learning how to stay present during discomfort.
She's not discovering how to communicate her needs without disappearing.
1. Lack of Self-Trust
When you don't trust yourself to know what you want,
honor your boundaries, or speak your truth, you stay in limbo.
one where you listen to your body's signals instead of overriding them.
2. Underdeveloped Rupture-Repair Skills
All relationships involve conflict.
The difference between those that thrive
and those that fail isn't the absence of rupture—
it's the presence of repair.
is essential for breaking the cycle.
Many people who identify as "avoidant" are actually stuck
in what's called a functional freeze—
a physiological state where you're disconnected from your emotions and bodily sensations.
but becomes problematic in adult relationships.
True boundaries aren't walls to keep others out—
they're guidelines that allow you to stay connected to yourself
while connecting with others.
with boundaries (staying present while honoring your needs).
It's about rewiring your nervous system and developing new capacities.
- Feel the discomfort of overwhelm without shutting down
- Communicate vulnerably instead of disappearing
- Trust that you can repair ruptures instead of avoiding them
- Set boundaries elegantly without losing connection
the deep knowing that you can stay in relationship with yourself
no matter what happens with someone else.
the push-pull dynamic loses its power.
You can stay present during discomfort
because your survival no longer feels threatened.
You can speak your truth because your worth isn't determined
by someone else's response.
You can choose to leave or stay based on what's truly aligned,
not what feels safer in the moment.
If you've been caught in this push-pull cycle—
whether for months, years, or decades—
know that you're not broken.
You're not doomed to repeat this pattern forever.
that once protected you but now limits you.
The question is:
Are you ready to create something new?
instead of the familiar pain of the cycle?
that will allow you to have both love AND autonomy?
and you're ready to break free from the push-pull cycle that's keeping you stuck,
I may be able to help.
we can identify the exact blind spots keeping you trapped in this cycle
and create a clear path forward.
- Pinpoint where your fear of engulfment originated
- Help you feel the emotions you've been avoiding
- Identify your specific dissociation patterns
- Create a roadmap for developing the capacities you need
-
- Your relationship history (the patterns you've noticed)
- What you've already tried and invested in that hasn't worked
- What you hope to achieve through this work
