"It's just stress," he told himself as the doctor delivered the diagnosis.
Anal fistula.
Surgery required.
Six weeks of recovery.
A fistula is a painful opening in his rectum.
Something has been bugging his a**.
What he didn't mention to the doctor
was that the symptoms appeared exactly during the peak
of the worst fights he'd been having with his wife—
when he'd swallowed his true feelings,
pretending "It's fine" while a storm raged inside.
Another client called me from the hospital.
Emergency appendectomy.
"The strangest part," she whispered,
"is that I felt relieved when they told me I needed surgery.
Like finally there was proof something was wrong."
What she didn't say:
the pain had been building as she’s coming to terms
with the fact that she’s been abandoning herself in the relationship,
but chose to say nothing
because she was terrified of "making things worse."
In both cases, their bodies were screaming
what their hearts refused to speak.Emotional safety was missing.
“Your body keeps the score”
- B. Van Der Kolk
We've been conditioned to believe
that physical illness is random,
that relationship conflict is separate from our health,
and that "being strong" means swallowing resentment
and carrying on.
But what 25 years of working with patients and clients
in clinical practice and beyond has taught me:
The body is actually engaged in an intelligent rebellion
against the lies you tell yourself.
I can say this to you with a calm confidence:
That chronic condition, surprise diagnosis,
or mysterious pain is actually a messenger.
I spent years as a chiropractor watching this pattern unfold:
- A patient arrives with back pain that started "for no reason"
- Further conversation reveals a devastating loss six months earlier
- They insist they've "dealt with it" and "moved on"
- Yet their spine, muscles, and nervous system tell a different story
It was only when I began to understand the science of polyvagal theory—
the neurobiology of safety and connection—
that I realized what was happening.
The Dangerous Cost of Peace-Keeping (Fawning).
Many of us were raised to be "good"—
to keep the peace, not rock the boat,
prioritize harmony over authenticity.
This conditioning creates an identity centered around fawning—
automatically accommodating others' needs while abandoning our own.
We become experts at bypassing our true feelings:
- Swallowing anger to keep relationships "stable"
- Suppressing hurt to avoid being "difficult"
- Denying resentment to maintain the image of being "supportive"
This seems to work—for a while.
But your nervous system doesn't forget.
It keeps a meticulous record of every betrayal,
every boundary crossed, every truth denied.
And when the gap between your spoken words
("It's fine") and your body's truth
("I'm dying inside") grows too wide,
something has to give.
Usually, it's your health.
The Wisdom of Disease
If you can relate to what I’m sharing,
my invitation is for you to consider these questions honestly:
- Did your chronic condition appear
during or shortly after significant relationship conflict? - Do you find yourself saying "everything's fine"
while feeling tightness in your chest, throat, or stomach? - Have you been diagnosed with an illness
that affects the exact part of your body
where you feel the emotion?
(Throat issues when you can't speak your truth,
digestive issues when you can't "stomach" a situation,
heart problems when you're heartbroken) - Do you pride yourself on being
"the reasonable one" or "the peacekeeper"
in your relationships? - Has your doctor used the phrase
"we can't find a clear cause" or
suggested stress might be a factor?
If you answered yes to any of these,
your body might be speaking what your heart won't say.
The Science Behind The Symptom
The algorithm likely brought you to this message
because you’re wanting relationships that feel nourishing,
juicy, and connected.
But most of us were never taught how
our nervous systems actually create that connection.
When I discovered polyvagal theory,
I actually wept. (I’m not even kidding).
Finally, here was the link between science and spirituality,
the neurobiological explanation
for why relationship conflict creates physical illness.
In simplified terms:
When we repeatedly suppress our authentic responses
to protect a relationship,
we force our nervous system into a state of shutdown.
This shutdown—designed as a temporary survival strategy—
becomes chronic.
And chronic shutdown creates
the perfect conditions for physical disease.
Your digestive system slows,
your immune function decreases,
inflammation rises,
and tissues that should be receiving full blood flow
and nervous system communication become compromised.
This isn't "psychosomatic" in the dismissive sense.
It's your body's intelligence at work.
Your fistula, appendicitis, chronic back pain,
or mysterious fatigue isn't random.
It's precisely targeted communication from a body
desperate to be heard.
The Path Through (Not Around)
The healing path isn't about pushing harder,
taking more supplements,
or finding a better specialist (though those may all be part of your journey).
Take the medical route by all means and consult a physician.
Surgery for the immediate intervention may be necessary
(especially if you’ve been ignoring the signs for months to years).
I’m talking about what you’re summoned to focus on
after the crisis has settled, if your priority is indeed “healing.”
True healing begins with a radical question:
What truth is my body trying to express
that I've been unwilling to speak?
Often, it sounds like:
"I am deeply angry about how I've been treated."
"I cannot continue in this relationship as it stands."
"I need help and have been afraid to ask for it."
"I have been betraying myself to keep others comfortable."
If you resonate to any of the above,
Then these truths may feel dangerous
precisely because they threaten the fawning identity
that's been keeping you "safe" in relationships.
But here's what I've witnessed hundreds of times:
when you finally honor your body's wisdom
and speak your truth
(first to yourself, then appropriately to others),
something miraculous happens.
The very symptoms that seemed random,
chronic, and mysterious often begin to resolve,
never to return.
Not because you've found a magical cure,
but because you've restored internal coherence between your words,
your heart, and your physical being.
A Container for Safety
My work now is about creating what I couldn't find
when I needed it most—
a container safe enough for these truths to emerge in others.
Because speaking them alone can feel terrifying.
Our nervous systems are wired for connection,
and the fear of rejection or abandonment
can keep us silent even as our bodies break down.
This is why understanding polyvagal theory
changed everything for me.
I realized that healing happens naturally
when we shift our systems toward safety and connection.
When I work with clients navigating physical symptoms
alongside relationship conflict, we create that safety first.
From there, the body begins to speak more clearly,
and the path forward emerges not from force but from alignment.
The appendicitis client–
Six months after our work together,
her digestive issues had resolved completely—
and she was in a relationship
where she could speak her truth without fear.
The fistula client?
He opted not to explore the emotional landscape
beneath his symptoms.
When I gently suggested the connection
between his physical condition and relationship dynamics,
he politely declined further exploration.
The pattern that likely contributed to his condition—
avoiding difficult emotions in favor of practical solutions—
continued in his approach to healing.
I respect his choice, though I sometimes wonder
if true resolution awaited on the path not taken.
The take home message from 25 years in the mind/body
healing field:
Your body isn't betraying you.
It's fighting for your truth with the only language it has when words fail.
The question is…
Are you ready to listen?
With deep respect for your journey,
your wingman on the adventure,
Nima
P.S. If you're experiencing physical symptoms
that appeared during relationship conflict
and suspect your body might be carrying what your heart hasn't spoken,
I'm offering a limited number of "Body Truth"
Blind-Spot sessions this month (normally $497).In this 45-minute session, we'll:
- Map the connection between
your physical symptoms and relationship dynamics - Identify the specific truths your body
is expressing through illness - Create a safe container for these truths to emerge
without catastrophic relationship fallout
This work is sacred to me because
I've witnessed the transformation that happens
when body and heart finally speak the same language.
If this resonates, reply with your situation, what you’ve tried,
what has worked, and what hasn’t,
ending with "Nima, can I please have your private calendar link?"
(Leave any of the above out, and you don’t qualify).
You get to find out if there’s something missing
in your quest to uncover the health that’s waiting to express itself.
