I sat across from her on the video call,
watching her eyes dart back and forth.
"I know I should be over it by now,"
she said.
"It's been months."
She described how she'd found out —
a Facebook hiking photo that didn't add up.
The same sunlight angle.
The same trail.
The lie unraveling with a simple scroll
through social media.
"But what's driving me crazy,"
she continued, her voice tightening,
"is that even though he's doing everything 'right' now —
therapy, accountability, transparency —
my body just won't believe him."
This is what most therapists don't address about betrayal.
It lives in your body, not just your mind.
The Physical Imprint of Betrayal
After 20 years of working with the nervous system
(first as a chiropractor, now guiding professionals
through relationship challenges),
I've witnessed the same pattern countless times:
The mind says: "Let's move forward."
The body screams: "DANGER!"
Betrayal trauma doesn't disappear
with cognitive understanding or the passage of time alone.
It manifests physically as:
- A constant state of high-alert, scanning for threats
- Chest tightening when they're not responding to texts
- Sleep disturbances and exhaustion
- A sense of "bracing" for the next blow
- That pit-in-stomach feeling when they say "I'm just going out with friends"
One client described it perfectly:
"I feel like I'm constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.
My body won't let me relax."
Most traditional relationship approaches
address betrayal at the cognitive level:
- "Let's talk about why it happened"
- "Learn to communicate better"
- "Practice trust-building exercises"
These are valuable,
but insufficient when betrayal
has imprinted on your nervous system.
Your logical brain might accept their apology,
but your limbic system —
the part responsible for your survival —
remembers the danger.
It's literally doing its job by keeping you vigilant.
No amount of "just let it go" or "focus on the positive"
will override your body's wisdom.
Chances are this abandonment wound
has been around long before you even met this person.
This is why so many accomplished,
intelligent individuals find themselves caught in cycles
of hypervigilance despite knowing better.
It's not weakness — it's biology.
The Cycle:
Here's what typically happens after betrayal:
- You try desperately to control the uncontrollable
(checking phones, questioning whereabouts) - Your partner feels suffocated and pulls away
- Their withdrawal confirms your worst fears
- Your anxiety intensifies
- The cycle deepens
Your body's warning system keeps blaring,
creating the very outcome you fear most.
One woman I worked with, a brilliant finance executive,
told me: "I handle million-dollar decisions with confidence,
but I can't stop myself from checking his location twenty times a day.
I hate who I've become."
She hadn't "become" anything.
Her system was doing exactly what it evolved to do —
protect her from harm.
Where healing begins:
After years of watching clients struggle through this cycle,
I discovered something surprising:
Healing begins not by forcing yourself to trust again,
but by honoring your body's response.
The path forward isn't about silencing the alarm system.
It's about:
- Recognizing these reactions as protective, not problematic
- Learning to feel the sensations without being hijacked by them
- Regulating your nervous system first, before attempting to repair the relationship
- Developing the capacity to discern between past wounds and present reality
When we approach betrayal as a somatic experience
rather than just an emotional one,
something profound happens.
The body that's been keeping score
begins to feel safe enough to stand down.
A Deeper Truth:
There's a humbling truth I've observed in my own journey
and in working with hundreds of clients:
The world's most perceptive betrayal-detection system
can't protect you from the grief of heartbreak.
What gives us true safety isn't hypervigilance,
but the knowledge that we can survive pain
and emerge whole on the other side.
One client (who is a Psychotherapist who’s husband cheated on her)
put it beautifully after completing our work together:
"For the first time,
I realize I don't need to control what he does to be okay.
My peace doesn't depend on his choices.
That's the sweet spot when everything changes.
The very system that's been exhausting you
becomes a source of wisdom rather than anxiety.
The physical sensations that once hijacked you
become messengers you can acknowledge
without being consumed by.
And the relationship — whether this one or the next —
transforms from a source of threat to a container for growth.
This kind of healing is possible.
Not because betrayal doesn't matter,
but because you have everything you need
to metabolize even the deepest wounds.
Your body knows the way home.
With deep respect for your journey,
your wingman on the adventure,
Nima
P.S. If you're caught in the physical aftermath of betrayal
and traditional approaches haven't helped,
I'm offering a limited number of "Trigger-Proof"
consultation sessions this month (normally $497).
In this 30-minute session, we'll:
- Map exactly how betrayal is stored in your nervous system
- Identify the somatic patterns keeping you locked in hypervigilance
- Create a personalized regulation practice to begin reclaiming your sense of safety
To see if this approach resonates, comment or DM with:
- sharing a bit about your experience with betrayal and
- what you've tried so far.
End your response with: "Nima, can I please have your private calendar link?"
This will help fill the gaps that have been missing on your journey.
