I want to introduce you to Denise.
Maybe you can relate to her story.
"I am in a relationship that I am unhappy in,
my partner doesn't even like me, let alone love me.
He is always looking for something else,
someone else, someone better,
someone who will worship him and tolerate his poor behaviour and disrespect.
He makes me feel so small and insignificant.
I feel so confused.
Do I want to be with him?
Do I want to be alone?
Do I want to be with someone else?
Do I hate him?
Do I hate myself?
Am I just wanting to run away from my problems?
Am I staying because I am afraid of what people will think?
That I will disappoint them?
Am I staying because I am ashamed to ask for help?
Am I staying because I don't know what I will do?
Where I will live?
I do love him. Or am I just used to him?
I don't even know who I am or what I want anymore.
I feel so sad, as if I am grieving for something that could have existed.
Then I am angry, I just want to be in a happy, healthy and secure relationship.
Where I feel safe and valued and respected.
I feel as if I am always competing against someone else for what I want and deserve.
It reminds me of when I was with someone else, who was consistency inconsistent.
Who I lost myself to,
who I abandoned myself completely with,
and who betrayed me completely.
I do not feel I deserve happiness.
I am never good enough, despite how much I do for someone.
I am scared I am going to end up alone and lonely.
Or worse? In a toxic relationship and miserable,
while pretending to the world that everything is perfect.
Not feeling fulfilled. Not feeling safe and respected.
Why are relationships so hard?”
—
You might not have had the exact same experience as Denise,
but I’m willing to bet there are elements to her story that you can relate to.
Now in her 40’s, this is how she experienced relationships happening in her life.
She was a high achiever at work.
Took lots of communication and leadership courses.
A TON of talk therapy.
She definitely wasn’t lacking in intelligence.
When Denise attended the Overview Experience over 2 months ago,
she was taken back in time where she was in a reality growing up
where she was constantly competing with her
mother and sister for her father’s attention—
always feeling like she was falling short… alone and unwanted.
Can you see the pattern?
A Trauma Bond is like that:
It’s an intense pull towards a familiar pattern in childhood,
as an attempt to complete what was incomplete.
SAME AS I DID.
Denise’s relationships were all trauma bonds— just like mine.
SAME PATTERN.
Same lack of boundaries.
Same experience of “chasing”, “never good enough”.
It was a lightbulb moment for me when I realized
what was happening in my life.
That it wasn’t my fault.
I wasn’t broken.
Both heartbreaking and relieving.
I turned “hope” into commitment and got to work.
Because once you get to the root of it,
you are able to create a protective boundary around your energy.
Your self worth expands and your deserving level does too.
because you no longer are trying to use romantic partners
to fix what was broken in childhood.
Today I have a beautiful family I never thought I would have.
And I left Chiropractic to teach those willing to learn
That there IS a path to getting relationships that are mutual
secure, and nourishing.
That even though you might have been conditioned
to have relationships constantly feel “hard” or
to think you don’t deserve fulfillment….
I’m here to tell you that you DO.
YOU DESERVE IT.
Your wingman on the adventure,
Nima
P.S. If this message resonates with you,
and you think you have tried everything—therapy,
communication courses, and countless self-help books.
Yet, finding yourself stuck in the same painful patterns—
consider you’re one blind spot revelation away from making a MASSIVE shift.
If you can stomach a painful revelation that takes the focus off the OTHER
person, and you’re open to feedback, If there are spaces remaining,
I’m offering a free Blind Spot Session to help you uncover a missing piece in your journey.
Here’s how to qualify for that Blind Spot Session:
1- Comment below and give me your back story. Tell me what’s happened in your dynamic.
2- Tell me what you have tried, books, courses, therapies.. What’s worked, and what hasn’t.
3- What work you do— and how this dynamic is impacting your work
4- finish the back story with “Nima- can I get your private calendar link?”
If you are able to get all 4 — and I think I can help— I’ll send you the link.
Back Story:
I am trying to give the details of how I perceive things both then and in hindsight, I dont inherrently mean she is to blame for what I describe, I am simply putting the story on the paper and when my side has been said I am very open to deepdiving into it openly. I dont know exactly what is relevant and not so I want to just presnet it without trying to please what I may perceive as your desired form.
Grew up with a busy distant father with two brothers. strong family around us and I was very close with my grandmother. Father was a very capable man professionally but had abandonment wounds from childhood with among other things beatings so he was uncomfortable about being a dad so he saw his worth mostly in working hard and then some
Mother also worked a lot and so a lot of time alone with brothers and gradmother on the farm.
I thought my dad was a superhero of capacity but unavailable, several key moments of growing up I did not feel I could ask him so looking back there was a lack.
I was the leader of my peers in nursery but when I started in primary school it was like it changed and I became a loner more so as all the other children lived near each other and played after school but I lived on family farm and the roads did not allow for young child to bike on his own until I got a lot older.
I remember feeling that I did not think anyone wanted to play with me and also that I did not know how to make it fun to come visit and noone ever asked. I remember one time in 3rd year where a boy got so homesick he had to go home after coming to visit. mother and father was too busy to help me understand so ended up being friend with the eccentric boys of neighbor farm but the popular kid on another farm next to us I was never able to be close with (1 year younger)
Also had a big injury to my eye at 9y which took a lot of confidence from me.
We grew up in a christian family with more bible camps than parties in our early teens and so missed out on a lot of the normal interaction and the view of the feminine was very much that of the devine feminine or the seductress.
Going into teens I was quite ok was on football team and generally ok in the class, but struggled connecting with girls.
In the camps my brother who was really early developed was looking like my twin brother but he had a lot more insecurities than me and so he pushed me down so he could rise and would say things like ‘you are not funny’ when I would try to be part of the group and so I took it too much to heart and often would wander on my own if not other people who was not part of the popular people he sought to hang out with was around.
then at 19y I was finnished with the normal school years and I took a gap year in Northern norway. During that time my dearest grandma died. then I went to England to study osteopathy and this was like a pandoras box for me.
Fast forward we had long distance for a time, there was a popular girl from school who came to me for treatment and we had good chemistry talking so I explored that conversation a bit more than I should because it was exactly what had been missing all those times before. It felt very safe for me as she was also in a relationship but in hindsight if Amy had not found out and attacked me for being unfaithful (which I was emotionally but it did not fit my spectrum brain definition at the time) I ended up fighting like mad to make us work where we most likely would have ended naturally. then a bit later I felt we had to make a choice and so since I struggled to let go I had to propose and so we marrried and not really anything was ready and most specifically I was nowhere near mentally prepared for what was expected of me and so it got too much and I let Amy down in the beginning and then it started to go downhill with work and I panicked and changed work to DHL where my energy could push through but I and we only stayed floating because the train (me) refused to stop but there was bad things on every corner as we were sharing house with my brother who had dominated me before.
Fast forward some years and I started to take mentoring courses about masculinity and the constant berating I would get from amy – which was really a cry for help but I was not aware, to hold space for her to find her feet and be present when she was struggling with having lost herself in a new country with her child and abandonment from her family (and me) and same time deep down wanting more children but also fearful and I did not understand how powerty mindset regarding value of things inhereted from her parent was affecting her response to how I tried to show my love.
So further down I had enough of negative energy always causing me to feel guilt and so in a cowardly move I started to seek out without actually talking it out with her because I felt she had been taken here by my choice so I did not feel comfortable to decide again and when we would talk she would always change her tune when she saw I wanted out.
the negative feelings I experienced was:
begging for attention
a host there to be fed upon without reciprocal effort
low value to her
alone / unwanted
unsure how to behave to be good enough
guilt feeling for putting her in a cage by giving her what I thought would be great for her, a horse with carriage so she could do the special sport we had gone to many events for.
guilt for being too selfish and ignorant but same time not knowing really what to do and ending up feeling lost myself and burrowing down into what I needed to survive for myself.
felt weak and pathetic
Now I feel we both are worthy of a good thing in our life but I have caused too much hurt and to enable us all to have change we need to end htis thing that keeps dragging us back and so I seek to break the bonds I have with Amy because I dont know how to break them nicely when she does not deep down want to because she is afraid of abandonment from me and so I get to push until she loses it and gets angry and we have some timeout and forget due to business.
We then are intimate again but all comes back either whiel intimate or within 2 days so best thing is no touching etc but then after a week I dont dislike our interaction anymore so then we grow cxloser again and I feel I need to push her away before we get into that toxic stuff again and we keep going in that setting in a carousel ride.
I think we need real time and space apart for some time to be able to change.
I think we both want the best for each other but when we feel steps back for our own journeys we respond very negatively.
Tried mentoring around masculitity and it has done a lot for my understanding and work relations are much better and often I can bring that to amy as well but then I get reminded of the reasons for why I feel we are not a good match and then I want to prio my needs and we get into a bad situation
I work as a DHL service partner, I have vehicles and manpower to deliver and collect DHL express shipments and I am responsible for the success of this area and following up the employees. I will not stop until it is complete with all that can be done most days
then I need training to be able to continue this work
I also have to do the accounts as we started from scratch and so not able to outsource office jobs
I find it super stimulating but it is not the job of a family man but I cannot stop without either a bankrupsy of all the things, which I dont want to do to myself, the team of our belongings when deep down I care for Amy but dont love her and so it is not worth it by my estimate
I definitely have a tendency to mother/father employees and feel that its never good enough.
I feel this describes the details I can think of wtihout trying to paint a picture and I accept that most of the issues in here has to do with my lack of ability to be man enough for the occation in many crossroads up through the years and then finding it frustrating that the women I chose cannot help me. But she cannot because we have different abilities and needs going forwards and so I have been nasty because it is easier for me to be the bad guy (since I am not good enough anyway) than to be man enough to say to this woman who has done her very best and sacrificed all show was able to do in order to make things work.
Nima- can I get your private calendar link?