How to know when you’re playing the victim

Written By Dr. Nima

On January 2, 2023
A community member just asked:
“Would appreciate some extra insight on how to know when you’re playing the victim vs. just needing to express your feelings on how you’ve been affected by someone else’s actions vs. needing/desiring validation vs. not making others feel responsible for your feelings. Confused on how the concepts are different/similar & what’s healthy vs. not healthy. I definitely don’t want to play victim or make others responsible, but how does one express themselves without those possibly happening?
Is needing validation codependency? If so, is it always codependency or only in certain circumstances? How does one share their feeling without making the other person feel responsible?”

P.S When you’re ready, here’s what we got:

Are you ready to work together? I’d love to see if we are the right fit. Apply HERE.


  1. Claudine

    this has opened my eyes. Ive been playing the victim for years. I was in two abusive relationships and couldn’t get past the first one because it was so toxic and abusive.


    I really don’t like the word unapologetic. I would answer all of those excellent questions you read out, with the word surrender. In all situations she described there is the need to express oneself without the other receiving it as a trigger… usually, the sensitive person is full grown on this empathy and insight level, she has great values this way and wants to tread carefully. She may be dealing with others who are fully grown in a different area but needing more growth in the empathy area and therefore would receive virtually any attempt this woman tries as a trigger. So, when I say surrender, we aren’t giving up. But we are acknowledging that we have areas where each individual has areas in their personalities that are ‘ungrown’ or not ”fully developed’ or perhaps ‘overdeveloped” … which makes us all unique and also makes it challenging to reach communication without wounding. Surrender, from the point of view of the questioner would be an acknowledge (sounds like from some past history) that others aren’t as developed in the area she is, but has other areas of great value. So I would either say, is the point you want to make a possible trigger and if so, is it worth feeling like a victim if it triggers a narcissistic wound, or is it better to acknowledge there won’t YET, be the acceptance she is hoping for, but there is the start of a conversation by coming in with an attitude of surrender to our differences as honorable. I don’t know if this makes any sense but I could clarify further.

    • Nima Rahmany

      I agreee with you— and the only reason why we wouldn’t like the word unapologetic is our conditioning that has us feeling we need to apologize for everything.

  3. Stephanie McLendon

    I would like to see if we are a fit.


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